...And we haven't even thrown one another through a wall yet!

Have you ever had someone in your life who makes you want to punch them in the face every single time they breathe? I have. Maybe I'm just a horrible person, but it's definitely happened to me. The worst part about this is that they are typically very sweet and kind people. They usually have not actually done anything wrong, and they are most often people I spend a lot of time with. Just for some reason, there just comes a time when something about them gets deep under my skin in a bad way. (Don't worry, if you're reading this blog it means you're on my preferred friend list on Facebook and you're not any of the people I'm referring to!) ;-) The other day Scottie and I were driving to California and I was thinking about this strange phenomenon (that has only happened a couple of times to me in my entire life by the way... I'm not THAT awful!). I suddenly began to think of married couples who feel this way, which sounds like absolute torture to me. I'd rather be in a room full of people sliding their fingernails down chalkboards a hundred times a day than to be married to someone who drove me that crazy.

As I was pondering this I suddenly realized that we were about an hour away from our destination and we had not yet even thought to turn on the radio yet because we were having such good conversation (this from people who basically spend 24/7 together... I don't even know what we have left to talk about!). I was just about to say "Aren't you so glad we aren't one of those couples who are annoyed by every little movement the other one makes?". However I stopped just short of that sentence as I suddenly realized that was MY opinion but maybe he actually WAS annoyed by everything single thing about me!

I pondered this for a second before I decided to be brave and actually asked him if there were things that I did that drove him nuts. Of course I know there are some things for sure, but I'm talking about the kind of things that are incredibly innocent and small that for whatever reason just upset you so much you are ready to inflict bodily harm to the person (seriously, am I the only who has these moments? I'm starting to feel guilty!). So I sucked it up and asked him. I started out by giving little examples like, "you know how I hold my breathe every time we drive under the tunnel? It's something that some people would think is endearing and childlike, but it's also something that someone like say... a spouse... could think was absolutely ridiculous to the point that he might begin to hate me for it. So, do you think about what a moron I am every time I do that or what?" His answer was no, although I'm sure he was thinking "no, but when you ask me questions like that I definitely think you're a little insane". I proceeded to prod by asking if there were any other small things like that about me that made him want to knock my teeth out?" Brave question I know. I held my breathe (despite our tunnel free drive) and waited for an answer. It actually wasn't bad. I could handle what he was saying. So THEN I felt safe to ask my original question "Aren't you so glad we aren't one of those couples who are annoyed by every little movement the other one makes?"
Really, it truly does amaze me that we have the relationship we do. We've been married 5 years now, we live together, work together, sleep together, and hang out together... that's a lot. I am quite surprised that a few blows to the head haven't been exchanged yet! More than anything I am so SO thankful.
This same kind of thought hit me again as we were on our way to a clients house in Venice, dressed in our full on Argentinian 80's clothes for our "Bourgie Fashion Prepster Buenos Aires Hollywood Palermo Gringo Polo Summer Solstice Party" that we were invited to (yes that was the actual title of the party). We were both so excited to be headed to a true trendy LA party and yet we were both nerdy enough to each be wondering how in the world we got invited to such a cool party (the fact that I had to google half the words in the invitation just to figure out what we were supposed to wear is a testament to the fact that this party was way too cool for us)! It was at that moment as we flew down the freeway with our white rimmed Ray Bans on and Lady Gaga blaring through our speakers, that I really felt like we were great teammates and I was truly glad that HE was the one I was getting to experience all of this with.(This is us in our party garb)

Again, I feel like we've been married long enough that I should be over it. That I should be bored with him, annoyed with him, or doing everything I can to convince him not to go the party so I can go by myself. Yet, I'm not there. I'm just glad I have my teammate to do all this with me. And I'm so glad that we are so much on the same page that our party re-cap afterwards was almost as good as the party.
The point of this post isn't to brag... I'm just genuinely in awe that it's possible for two people who by all rights should be sick of each other, to truly enjoy the time we spend together. When you put two separate individuals together so much for so long (yes, I know 5 years isn't really all that long... but it's long enough for major resentment to develop!) you never know what you're going to get. I remember receiving a list in my Marriage and Family class at ASU of about 500 things that need to line up for people to be a good match in marriage and I was like "that's it, that can only happen through a miracle so I guess I'm never getting married". Now that I am married I think agree with that list even more because I am amazed how big things get when even a few very small things don't align.

Don't get me wrong, Scottie and I have our major differences.. in fact we are very different people. When we got married my grandma told me that she was so glad we agreed on so many very fundamental things, but she was really worried about how different our actual personalities are. So yeah, we're different, but I think I'm less concerned about those things and more amazed at how many things DO line up! When we got married there were I don't know, maybe 30 things that I knew of that were important and lined up with us. But back to the miracle thing... only God knew that there were really like 5,000 major things that lined up about us and that those things would turn out to be very important for us. I think the longer we've been married, the more we line up and the less the differences matter. I mean, we have a hard time coming up with fun things to do together and mutual hobbies to share because of our personality differences, but all the things that really matter in life are surprisingly easy for us to work through.

Clarification again, I'm not saying marriage is easy at all! In fact, I'm saying the opposite. I'm saying it's so hard that I'm eternally grateful to God for the things he's helped us work (really hard) through and for all the similarities he's given us that make it just a little bit easier because without those things... well it goes back to the fingernails on the chalkboard thing.
So for anyone who's like "what?! my marriage sucks and this is just making me depressed". Never fear, mine has sucked for long periods of time too. That's actually what makes me SO grateful for where we are now. Not to mention that when we get into another funk like that one day, I have learned that it's possible to pull out of it to be better than you were before so I think I'll have a little more hope.
All I'm really trying to say here is that I am completely amazed... thankful... surprised... and so so VERY grateful to God that we have the relationship we do. Lately, Scottie and I have each stopped each other once a week and been like "wow! I can't believe how happy I am with you!" Such a blessing and quite the miracle. Oh God, THANK YOU!
And Scottie, I'm SO happy with you.

P.S. You can read the blog I wrote in honor of our 5 year anniversary (complete with pics and stories from our wedding) here: http://radiantphotographyaz.com/radiant_life/?p=2883

Free to be me again!

I'm sure many of you know what I mean when I say that my Facebook page has taken on a life of it's own. It's cluttered with people I don't know, my parents' friends, people begging me to fan them, etc., etc.

The fact that we run most of our business through Facebook only makes matters worse. Every week I have newbie photographers and Radiant fans friending me in hopes that I can help them build their business or give them a discount on their wedding photography one day. I feel like my entire life is in the public eye and that my business is being built on that persona of me that is being put out there. I'm not complaining about that too much because we've purposely set things up that way, it's only when I want to separate my personal life from my business (which is very necessary for me to be a healthy person) that I run into the problem. And at the rate I'm going, it looks like it won't be long before my friend list consists more of people I don't know than people I do and this problem will continue to grow!

The biggest reason I've had an issue with this is because one thing I know about myself is that I need a creative outlet that is my own. Right now everything I'm saying, producing, etc. is for the purpose of pleasing others or promoting my business. My already excessive people pleasing tendancies are on full alert and I'm tired. I really want a place where I can relax and be myself. Not to mention a place where I can connect with my REAL friends to find out what's going on in their lives.

I am totally hurting and I have been feeling very isolated and disconnected from the people I really care about. So my meager attempt to remedy some of that is to use the friend list feature on Facebook (that I just found out exists) to limit who sees every little detail on my page. This means that even my friends can be more free to be themselves on my page as well because they don't have to worry that their old kindergarten sunday school teacher will reprimand them for what they say (or something like that)! So I'm hoping that taking this step will deepen the level of interactions on my page as a whole (or at least make them happen with people I know!). Don't worry, my next step is to actually start seeing the people I care about in real life too!

Another part of this is that my personal blog has been on hold for a long time and in the past that has been a huge tool for my personal growth and for my relationships. It's been connected to my Facebook page so I no longer feel free to be honest on it and it's just felt like another avenue to use to sell myself on. Now that I know who's
seeing the post when I update it, I can feel free to be myself again! So take note, if you saw the post about this blog on Facebook... you're one of the chosen! Even if I've never met you in real life, if I've left you on the list it means I think I would really like you if I we ever did meet!

So if this work then... Breezy's back!
P.S. If you want to use friend lists, just go into your friends, create new lists (like tags), add everyone to at least one list, then go into your privacy settings and customize who can see what. It takes a long time, but it's totally worth it!

It's a clips episode.

I just scanned through some of my recent posts and I realized I have gotten WAY too serious, not to mention long winded (oh wait, I've always been that). So I'm going to just shoot the breeze with you a little and give you an update on my life recently...

• We finished off our commitment to Apartment Life and we are no longer an official "Cares Team" for our community, but we still are caring people who live in the same community.
• We considered buying a house... then we were considered the value of eating and being able to afford to have clothing on our backs so we decided we are quite content in our apartment for another year.
• We almost died putting together a booth for the January bridal show. But we lived to tell the tale... and to book several weddings from it so far (see photos of the booth here).
• We've officially become "international photographers" since we just booked a wedding in Playa Del Carmen (near Cancun in Mexico) for this October.
• We recently made some new friendships with people who we click with AMAZINGLY well (shout out to the Schmidts and the Julians, we love you guys!).
• I took a full day off this month!
• In 2009, we paid off all of our debt to become a debt free company (you can read the blog about that here).
• Scottie and I both just started an online fitness program with Simply Fit where we receive a diet plan and workout plan for the week. I have a love/hate relationship with it because I love the nutrition plan but I just hate working out in general, while Scottie has discovered that working out is his new purpose in life. We are both feeling great doing it though, and we love the program!
  

I should've just put a stamp on that and called it a Christmas letter! Since most of our life is business and we've pretty much thrown the "personal life" out the window, you can read our abridged year in review of Radiant Photography if you want to know what's really been going on with us lately.

There is one more thing I have to talk about, the biggest news... we finally got a dog! No, not the boxer Scottie's always wanted, not the bull mastiff he's always secretly dreamed about, but a freaking Chihuahua!! Everyone who knows Scottie laughs when they hear this. In fact, when I first called my mom to tell her, she seriously could not stop laughing hysterically for even a minute, and she was STILL laughing after I told her the story about how we got the dog, and I could STILL hear her laughing as I hung up the phone! If you don't know Scottie well, I guess you could say he's not the little dog type of guy. Not to mention he's a really really big guy so they're kind of an odd pair (which is why mom was laughing until she cried).Her name's Jasmine (aka Jazzercise, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Jazzmanian Devil, and Snoop Doggy Dog to name a few) and we got her from some kids we love who used to live in our apartment complex. She used to follow these kids around everywhere, including up into our apartment. So we spent a lot of time with her and we LOVED her. She was one of Scottie's favorite dogs ever. So much so that when we went to the pound to find a dog, he said grimaced at all the chihuahuas but said, "man if Jasmine was available I'd take her in a second". Needless to say when her owners called us exactly 3 days after he said that (no joke) and told us she was available, we jumped at the chance!
We loved her a ton for that first week... and then she got her period. Ever since I found out that actually happens to dogs (like a year ago) I had hoped in vain that was an experience I'd never live to have. Bummer. I'll spare you all the gory details except to say that I have learned more about the sex lives of canines than I ever wanted to know.
(This is her being all ashamed the first time we put her diaper on her! So sad... and weird).

I'm happy we ended up with such a tiny dog (no, not so I can dress her up, that's only because she gets really cold). Since the house thing is a no go, we get the awesome job of following her around and picking up her poop by hand in a bag, so her size is a definite plus in that department. Not to mention, she's the perfect size for people like us who work our lives away because she just sits in our laps all day so we still get to pet her and pay attention to her. (By the way, Scottie thinks she has some weenie dog in her, which would make her a chiweenie or a weenie-wahwah and I'll accept that theory just so I get to say those fun words!)
But I still haven't told you the best part about this dog, not only is she a super sweet little cuddler who is very loving, cute, and tiny, but... she sleeps until noon everyday! We definitely could not have found a more perfect dog for us.

Why I am where I am.

So I'm back. I'm not totally sure about the reasons for my absence. For one, I spend several hours a day writing now. Whether I'm writing a lengthy important email to a client or a little story about the wedding we just shot... it seems I'm always writing. However, I've found that I am never writing for myself or for my friends. I'm definitely starting to feel stifled as I find my self reading and re-reading (and making Scottie read and re-read) every single word I write as a result of my caution in how I present myself in public/business persona and as a result of my basic flaw as a people pleaser.

The reason I'm back on this blog is because I'm taking my first day off in over a month. I actually didn't want to take this day off, but after yet another stress break down last night, my kind and loving husband put his foot down. No checking email, no updating our business Facebook page (though I have already cheated on both accounts when he took the dog for a walk), no processing photos, etc., etc.

So basically I'm totally lost on what to do with my day now. When I say I haven't taken a day off in over a month, I mean that I took Christmas day off and before that I have no idea how long it was since I had a break. I know, this is ridiculous and unhealthy and I don't know how long it will last. I keep thinking "this will be a tough year because of ____ but the next will be better and we can step back from our business a little bit" but when my friend recently asked me how much longer I was going to continue working 12 hour days every day of the week, I had to admit to myself that I didn't see much of an end in site. Sure, our business is supporting us. Sure, we're enjoying (almost) every minute of it. Sure, now that it's going well we could just maintain. But that's not us, that's not our goal, and that's not going to get us to where we want to be. Every year I think we'll finally "be there" and we can back off. But every year my dreamer/genius of a husband concocts some new scheme for us to dive into and these schemes are the things that are taking us the direction we want to go.

If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought we were wrong to live such an unbalanced, unhealthy lifestyle I would have answered with a resounding yes. But I'm starting to change my tune. I now believe there are seasons in life and I also believe that there are certain sacrifices required in life that are well worth making (for a season). We have decided to live for freedom, rather than for security. That is a huge risk and it's a difficult goal. We've decided we want to get to a place where we are in charge of our lives, where we're not controlled by a job, a mortgage, or a rigid schedule. We want to live a very unique life and that means living different from everyone else now to get to that place later. As Dave Ramsey (the financial guru that helped us get out of debt) says, "You have to live like no one else so later you can live like no one else". He is speaking of the financial sacrifices you make now to be debt/financially free later on in life. I agree with that statement on more than just a financial level. I agree with it on a life philosophy level.
Although I feel I have to make a certain clarification here... I would definitely not be making these sacrifices if I did not work with my husband or if I had children. Right now, yes, Scottie and I lack a certain amount of QUALITY time together but that fact that we do have quite a large QUANTITY of time together does help make up for that (somewhat) more than if we just didn't have any time together at all and we were working the same amount as we are now, but separately. Our business does bond us together in a big way and it does allow us to have a relationship that is actually better than it was before we had this much time together (despite our known need for more quality time). So while there are certain, temporary sacrifices we are making, I want to be clear that the sacrifices that are hitting our marriage are more minimal than those happening in other areas (and we are doing our best to cut them out completely) and I do believe in putting family first. I know that even temporary sacrifices that hit a family can have long lasting, detrimental side effects.

That said, a big reason we are making these sacrifices now is because we believe they will be beneficial to our family later in life. We want our family to experience the freedom that we are working so hard to build as well. We want our kids to be able to stay home with and be raised by BOTH of their parents. We want to get to take extended family vacations with our kids in the summers, maybe even moving to San Diego every summer to shoot weddings there. We want to be able to have the ability to be creative in how we educate our kids about everything in life rather than just being forced to hope that schools will teach all that is necessary. We want to be able to say, "forget it, we're taking a break today" on those days that one of our kids really needs us to be there for them, rather than being forced to put them off and just hope it won't be too late to help them later.

I'm not talking about financial freedom only (although that would be a nice benefit), like I said earlier, I'm talking about a lifestyle of freedom. No, I don't mean anarchy either, I mean having the time, ability, and energy to make choices that we think are best for our family rather than being forced to assume that the norms in our society are what's best for us. I already tried this assumption for myself and it didn't work. I tried for years to work a 5 day week from 8:30-5 and I felt like I was dying the entire time (even though I had a excellent job and loved the place I worked at and the people I worked with). Now I work more than twice as many hours a week and I am personally thriving (with the exception of the few sacrifices) and my marriage is thriving. I used to think I was lazy or there was something wrong with me. Now I realize that not everyone is made to be the same, think the same, or do the same things on the same schedule. I pray that I never again have to be forced into a mold I don't fit into and I never want my family to be forced into that mold either. Again, clarification, I'm all about rules. I just think rules should be there to help everyone thrive, not to stifle uniqueness or giftedness, but to allow everyone to grow in those things together. Rules are very, very valuable, but once I'm a parent I want to have the freedom to determine what rules for life are best for my family, rather than allowing my overly busy, consumer driven, dependent on professionals, over-worked society to decide them for me.

I know I'm young and idealistic. I know things don't always work out as planned. But I also don't think I should give up BEFORE things actually happen that ruin my plans. I still think it's important to make conscious decisions about the course of your life and about your values before just letting any force (society norms included) push you around so you just end up God knows where. Ever seen that movie "P.S. I Love You"? The scene in the beginning where they're arguing about her job, was an exact conversation between me and Scottie at least twice a week during this time period that I was working my full time regular schedule job. I was crying at least 3 times a week with hardly any prompting (I started counting because someone mentioned they thought it sounded like I cried too much), my frustration and anger was overwhelming, and my relationships were falling apart. I was not living, I was surviving. I'll never forget that during that time period someone said to me "that's just life, you have to have a full time job and it's just going to suck". In my head I was screaming in response "NO, I refuse to live the rest of my life like this!" At that time, my husband was already in business for himself so my out loud response was "Scottie doesn't have to live this life, so why should I assume that I do?" Of course I did have to live that life for awhile for many good reasons and that was a season in my life. I know many people right now would give anything to find a full time job and they're probably pissed off that I'm complaining so much about having a job. This doesn't really have to do with what kind of job you do or do not have (that just happened to be a particularly big issue for me). It has to do with the difference between settling for just surviving or barely making it through life and really LIVING, growing, and experiencing joy in life. I don't expect to get to experience the latter during every season in life, I know I won't. But I don't want to ever arrive at a place where I stop seeking it, where I'm OK with a mundane life. I want to live an extraordinary life (read my earlier blog about that) and that means working hard to find the life I am meant to live. It means making certain sacrifices, whether that's comfort, security, or a few days off, to achieve a place in life where I am freed up to have my place in the world where I can do the most good. This place is different for everyone. For some, that means working for someone else 9-5, 5 days a week. For others that means, leaving your secure 5 day a week job to find your purpose. For some it has nothing to do with what job you have, it has to do with how you decide to raise your kids or how you decide you want to help others.

If you made it this far in this blog, congratulations, you are a patient person. I spend all my days trying to be mindful about not being too wordy or trying to figure out ways to make sure people don't stop reading. But ahh, I am SO tired of analyzing while I write! Thanks for going on this journey with me as I finally got the freedom to just let my thoughts explode.

I think the purpose of this blog (other than to just feel free while I write) was to explain to others... and mostly to myself... why we're doing what we're doing. I know more than ever that I am right where I need to be in my life. I don't know WHY I'm supposed to be here... it may be for the reasons I just described, or it may be for something totally different. But I constantly thank God that I'm here. I just need to remind myself this on the few days like yesterday where I freak out and debate whether or not it's worth it. But deep down, on a daily basis, I know it is.