Some nights I go to bed with this fear.... this fear that I settle for mediocrity way too easily. Then other nights I go to bed with a different fear.... this fear that I might have to actually rise above mediocrity!
For the past year or so I've had this persistant nagging feeling that I need to live an extraordinary life. My religious convictions definitely tell me this, but it's all too easy to lie to myself and say that I am following my beliefs. But I keep being faced with this challenge of being extreme. This idea that I can't settle for comfort, for safety, and for a life wasted on my own pleasures.
I have long had a taste of disgust in my mouth for the "American Dream". But no matter how bad the flavor, I keep eating it. I swallow more and more every single day, and now it is the nourishment that sustains me and drives me. Unfortunately my "nourishment" is really a poison that kills me slowly each minute.
OK, so enough of the drama here.... I got going and I couldn't stop with the strong analogies of death and doom (it's fun sometimes). Really though, I keep feeling that I need to live an extraordinary life, but everything inside of me longs for ordinary at the same time. I happen to be a very fearful person who uses high levels of control to attempt to block anything I fear that might threaten my own personal happiness in the little world I've created around me. This is a terrible, horrible thing to do by the way.... so if any one else out there is guilty of this you should definitely stop before you push away everyone and everything of value by trying to hold on to them too tightly.
(Man, I keep trying to make this light-hearted and it keeps coming back down a notch. I'll keep trying, bear with me!)
Anyways, so here you have this, fearful, controlling, high-maintenance (yes, I can finally admit that), lazy girl who is so scared of the unknown and of pushing herself when she doesn't have to that she's content to stay right where she's at..... who's being totally dragged into an extraordinary life. I'm sure if I ever get to the place deemed "extraordinary" (I have no idea where that actually is or what it entails by the way) I'll be able to look back on the things I gave up (comfort, security, an easier life) and say it was all worth it. But.... I'm just.... not quite..... there yet (those dots are meant to represent the tug of war going on inside of me).
I do want it though. I do want to be free. I want to be free of worrying about all the things that are not mine to worry about. I want to be able to stand for something bigger than myself and really make all the sacrifices that are necessary to accomplish the goals associated with that. I want to be free of seeking things that will only leave me empty in the end. I want to instead, pursue things that fill me with the breath I was meant to breathe.... with the life I was meant know.
It's so big, you know? Life is so huge! Sometimes when I'm worry about all the little things and stuck in the cycle of useless, unimportant obsession in my head.... I stop and think about how many facts a person could learn about puppies, or about wallpaper, or about bone marrow. There is so so so much. So much to talk about, learn about, do, and experience. And I get stuck in my own safe routine, in my own oh-so tiny world. It confines me and it traps me. My own measures of protection, my own safety defenses, are what attack me. I'm working so hard to let them go. To let them go and to just trust.
For so long I have trusted only in myself.... only in my knowledge and my abilities. I need to start to trust in my LACK of knowledge and abilities. In the world that is bigger than I, in the people that have lived more than me, in the God that actually created all of it. I know nothing and I am nothing. But there is a ton out there to become and to be. And I want to go after it.
I may never get a house. I may never have a 401K (still don't know what that means really but I think it's something people want). I may never please everyone and I may never feel completely comfortable ever again.....
But I need and want to be OK with that. I want to be excited about trading in the mundane for a life of extraordinaire. I need to realize that as long as I pursue my stability, comfort, and personal happiness above all else.... I will never get any farther than that. I will never know what life was meant to be and how it was meant to be used.
Oh holy crap.... I'm terrified.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
A Day in the Life of Us.
Every single day people ask us, "how are you doing?" or "what's going on?" and our answer is always the same. "Busy". And the questioner's inevitable response is, "oh, well that's good, right?" And we're like, "Um, I guess."
It's kind of hard to explain all the in's and out's of what we do everyday. The common misconceptions are:
a. We go hang out with all these high fashion people all day everyday, just laughing and sipping cocktails with them, trading amusing antic dotes, while snapping a photo of them kissing or something cute every once in awhile..... and that's what we call "busy".
b. We sleep 10 hours, do 1 or 2 unknown computer things, go layout by the pool for awhile, then sit around watching daytime television while eating microwaved s'mores and making out during commercials..... and that's what we call "busy".
c. We rush to Starbucks to meet some potential clients and they're like, "we'll pay anything... just please be our photographers!" and we're like, "um, yeah sure, whatev". Then we yell, "next" and the next couple waiting in line comes over and signs our contract while we sigh with boredom, sipping our lattes..... and that's what we call "busy".
OK, so it's definitely NONE of those things. Here's what it is.
Alarm goes off....
It's around 9:30 or 10 (still barely rested because I didn't get to bed until after 2 am the night before). I take a moment to catch my mood for the day.... this is very important because how else would I decide what to wear?! I spend about an hour matching my makeup to the mood- outfit and working out my hair to coordinate based on how many days it's been since I last washed it (gross I know, but I've come to accept it).
I make some coffee and breakfast and my goal every morning is to take that out and read for a bit on my princess porch (which earned it's name as a result of the sheer cream drapes that frame the ledge, the white lights that COVER it, and the candles and shiny things all around). I make sure I light my favorite Volcano No.5 Anthropologie candle, put on the chill playlist on my ipod.... The Cranberries, Shins, Decemberists, Frou Frou, and Rage Against the Machine (you know I'm kidding on the last one). Of course this goal is only actually accomplished about twice a month, but I still live under the illusion every morning that it is going to happen today.
After this I mosey on over to the office that is fully decorated.... so we can feel "creative and inspired in it" (good thing we took our financial class AFTER we freely spent all that money!) The office is complete with Aqua blue and chocolate brown everything, our favorite framed album covers displayed proudly on the walls, and of course.... my underwear- clad husband who is squinting at his computer screen, still too sleepy to fully open his eyes. He's responding to all his emails, none of which he'll remember later because he has complete amnesia until he's been up for at least an hour.... a very strange (and sometimes annoying) phenomenon.
I sit down at my computer for the purpose of pulling up some photos and going to work on them... removing zits, bugs, and aunt Sally's crotch shot.... then adding in soft lighting, textures, and tears to the bride's face (I'm just kidding- I wouldn't add fake tears!). Well process pictures is always my intention. But what usually happens is I sit down- see my to do list- see my packed inbox- see our full calendar and begin having heart palpitations. I then hop up, and start scouring the house for things that are out of place that can be put back into their place in attempt to give me some sort of feeling of control and order, I suppose. New item for my to do list.... "Learn how to deal with stress appropriately and effectively".
My kind husband (who's slowly adjusting to my freak-out routine) allows me to vent, go over our task list for the day, and apologize for freaking out. He then hugs me, says he forgives me, and settles in next to me to get a move on with the emails, returning phone calls, updating the website, etc.... since we lost so much time with that rampage. OK, so this doesn't happen EVERY day. But I hate to admit that it does happen very regularly!
We work for a bit, then warm up a couple hot dogs (quick, cheap, easy, and bad for you) and head off to do some errand for our CARES Team Program. We go grab things like giant green hats at Walmart, 250 Popsicles at Frys, or 100 grass hula skirts at.... well I have no idea where you'd get those from but we'd probably spend hours researching it online and then go there too!
When we arrive back from the complex, there are 10 kids who follow our car in who all start asking at the same time if they can come watch TV in our apartment, if we can play soccer, and if Scottie can fix their bikes. So we spend an hour or so doing at least some of those things, then we make a trip to the front office of our apartment complex for a quick meeting with our manager, and on the way back a slightly stoned neighbor decides it's time to tell us his life story (at stoner pace of course). We love doing all of this and we hate the fact that all the work we have to get done is sitting in the back of our minds trying to suck the joy out of our lives, but that's usually just how it goes for us so we try to ignore it and be happy.
We get back to our computers only to find MORE emails, tax organizing stuff, equipment insurance forms, camera gear research, admin junk, admin junk, and more admin junk, etc., etc., etc. waiting for us. We sigh and attack the pile, only to be interrupted by the internet going down, our drive sharing system cutting out, or some other ridiculous computer problem that should not happen but does (at least 5 times a week too) that results in Scottie spending the next hour or two fixing it. I spend this time playing with my superpoke pet on facebook (because it's MUCH cooler than those virtual pet keychains 9 year olds used to have) and if the computer is really down then I might get to do something actually productive, like read or glue Popsicle sticks to posterboard in preparation for our next CARES Team Kid's Club.
Once the computer gets fixed, we usually call most of our to do list a wash and put it on the calendar for tomorrow. Then we get ready to leave for either our Dave Ramsey financial class, Bible Study, some kind of family event, a meeting with a couple, or a "hot dogs on the go" where we hand out free hot dogs at the mailbox in our apartment complex. There's always something like that to do in the evenings.
After whatever thing it is (hopefully a family event because then we won't get stuck eating hot dogs for both lunch and dinner that day) we will most likely come home around 10 or 11 and then FINALLY settle in to process some pictures (which has been our goal to get to all day) while we watch South Park, Scrubs, Chelsea Lately, or a movie on Netflix Instant Que. And then on special days if we're being "good" (which translates to "healthy and balanced") we might not even work at this time!! We will probably watch 2 episodes of Lost online while eating ice cream and then still go to bed around 2.
Now I feel like Mr. Rogers at the end of the show when he's just spent his day with you (even though it only felt like 30 min.) and he's changing out his infamous sweater for a pimpin' blazer to leave his own house (I don't think he really lives there because he's only there for half an hour a day) singing his goodbye for today song, "I'll be back when the day is new and I'll have more ideas for you and you'll have things you'll want to talk about. I will too."
So folks, that's an average day for us. Now just take into account my work as a receptionist all day on Thursdays and Fridays, bigger events for our CARES Team, church, time with friends, house cleaning, grocery shopping, misc. random thing, misc. random thing.... and we are BUSY! I hope this doesn't sound too much like complaining because we are seriously loving all of it (except for when I'm throwing my temper tantrum in the mornings). I'm not complaining at all, this is totally the kind of life I want. I love the schedule freedom, the variety of things we get to do, that I get PAID for creating art, and that I spend a lot of time with people and with my husband. This is the life. The busy... fantastic life.
It's kind of hard to explain all the in's and out's of what we do everyday. The common misconceptions are:
a. We go hang out with all these high fashion people all day everyday, just laughing and sipping cocktails with them, trading amusing antic dotes, while snapping a photo of them kissing or something cute every once in awhile..... and that's what we call "busy".
b. We sleep 10 hours, do 1 or 2 unknown computer things, go layout by the pool for awhile, then sit around watching daytime television while eating microwaved s'mores and making out during commercials..... and that's what we call "busy".
c. We rush to Starbucks to meet some potential clients and they're like, "we'll pay anything... just please be our photographers!" and we're like, "um, yeah sure, whatev". Then we yell, "next" and the next couple waiting in line comes over and signs our contract while we sigh with boredom, sipping our lattes..... and that's what we call "busy".
OK, so it's definitely NONE of those things. Here's what it is.
Alarm goes off....
It's around 9:30 or 10 (still barely rested because I didn't get to bed until after 2 am the night before). I take a moment to catch my mood for the day.... this is very important because how else would I decide what to wear?! I spend about an hour matching my makeup to the mood- outfit and working out my hair to coordinate based on how many days it's been since I last washed it (gross I know, but I've come to accept it).
I make some coffee and breakfast and my goal every morning is to take that out and read for a bit on my princess porch (which earned it's name as a result of the sheer cream drapes that frame the ledge, the white lights that COVER it, and the candles and shiny things all around). I make sure I light my favorite Volcano No.5 Anthropologie candle, put on the chill playlist on my ipod.... The Cranberries, Shins, Decemberists, Frou Frou, and Rage Against the Machine (you know I'm kidding on the last one). Of course this goal is only actually accomplished about twice a month, but I still live under the illusion every morning that it is going to happen today.
After this I mosey on over to the office that is fully decorated.... so we can feel "creative and inspired in it" (good thing we took our financial class AFTER we freely spent all that money!) The office is complete with Aqua blue and chocolate brown everything, our favorite framed album covers displayed proudly on the walls, and of course.... my underwear- clad husband who is squinting at his computer screen, still too sleepy to fully open his eyes. He's responding to all his emails, none of which he'll remember later because he has complete amnesia until he's been up for at least an hour.... a very strange (and sometimes annoying) phenomenon.
I sit down at my computer for the purpose of pulling up some photos and going to work on them... removing zits, bugs, and aunt Sally's crotch shot.... then adding in soft lighting, textures, and tears to the bride's face (I'm just kidding- I wouldn't add fake tears!). Well process pictures is always my intention. But what usually happens is I sit down- see my to do list- see my packed inbox- see our full calendar and begin having heart palpitations. I then hop up, and start scouring the house for things that are out of place that can be put back into their place in attempt to give me some sort of feeling of control and order, I suppose. New item for my to do list.... "Learn how to deal with stress appropriately and effectively".
My kind husband (who's slowly adjusting to my freak-out routine) allows me to vent, go over our task list for the day, and apologize for freaking out. He then hugs me, says he forgives me, and settles in next to me to get a move on with the emails, returning phone calls, updating the website, etc.... since we lost so much time with that rampage. OK, so this doesn't happen EVERY day. But I hate to admit that it does happen very regularly!
We work for a bit, then warm up a couple hot dogs (quick, cheap, easy, and bad for you) and head off to do some errand for our CARES Team Program. We go grab things like giant green hats at Walmart, 250 Popsicles at Frys, or 100 grass hula skirts at.... well I have no idea where you'd get those from but we'd probably spend hours researching it online and then go there too!
When we arrive back from the complex, there are 10 kids who follow our car in who all start asking at the same time if they can come watch TV in our apartment, if we can play soccer, and if Scottie can fix their bikes. So we spend an hour or so doing at least some of those things, then we make a trip to the front office of our apartment complex for a quick meeting with our manager, and on the way back a slightly stoned neighbor decides it's time to tell us his life story (at stoner pace of course). We love doing all of this and we hate the fact that all the work we have to get done is sitting in the back of our minds trying to suck the joy out of our lives, but that's usually just how it goes for us so we try to ignore it and be happy.
We get back to our computers only to find MORE emails, tax organizing stuff, equipment insurance forms, camera gear research, admin junk, admin junk, and more admin junk, etc., etc., etc. waiting for us. We sigh and attack the pile, only to be interrupted by the internet going down, our drive sharing system cutting out, or some other ridiculous computer problem that should not happen but does (at least 5 times a week too) that results in Scottie spending the next hour or two fixing it. I spend this time playing with my superpoke pet on facebook (because it's MUCH cooler than those virtual pet keychains 9 year olds used to have) and if the computer is really down then I might get to do something actually productive, like read or glue Popsicle sticks to posterboard in preparation for our next CARES Team Kid's Club.
Once the computer gets fixed, we usually call most of our to do list a wash and put it on the calendar for tomorrow. Then we get ready to leave for either our Dave Ramsey financial class, Bible Study, some kind of family event, a meeting with a couple, or a "hot dogs on the go" where we hand out free hot dogs at the mailbox in our apartment complex. There's always something like that to do in the evenings.
After whatever thing it is (hopefully a family event because then we won't get stuck eating hot dogs for both lunch and dinner that day) we will most likely come home around 10 or 11 and then FINALLY settle in to process some pictures (which has been our goal to get to all day) while we watch South Park, Scrubs, Chelsea Lately, or a movie on Netflix Instant Que. And then on special days if we're being "good" (which translates to "healthy and balanced") we might not even work at this time!! We will probably watch 2 episodes of Lost online while eating ice cream and then still go to bed around 2.
Now I feel like Mr. Rogers at the end of the show when he's just spent his day with you (even though it only felt like 30 min.) and he's changing out his infamous sweater for a pimpin' blazer to leave his own house (I don't think he really lives there because he's only there for half an hour a day) singing his goodbye for today song, "I'll be back when the day is new and I'll have more ideas for you and you'll have things you'll want to talk about. I will too."
So folks, that's an average day for us. Now just take into account my work as a receptionist all day on Thursdays and Fridays, bigger events for our CARES Team, church, time with friends, house cleaning, grocery shopping, misc. random thing, misc. random thing.... and we are BUSY! I hope this doesn't sound too much like complaining because we are seriously loving all of it (except for when I'm throwing my temper tantrum in the mornings). I'm not complaining at all, this is totally the kind of life I want. I love the schedule freedom, the variety of things we get to do, that I get PAID for creating art, and that I spend a lot of time with people and with my husband. This is the life. The busy... fantastic life.
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