I am so sick of saying I’m sorry. Of course, they are always well-deserved I’m sorry’s, but I’m tired of doing things that warrant me saying it! It is beginning to feel like everytime I turn around I owe my husband an apology..... “Scottie, I’m sorry I screamed at you in front of all those people in the middle of the store”, “I’m sorry I threw all your clothes out the window”, “I’m sorry I tried to kill your dog”. Okay, okay, I’m totally kidding, those aren’t the kind of I’m sorry’s I have to say....at least not usually. And Scottie doesn’t even have a dog. The kind of things I have to say on a daily basis are more like, “I’m sorry I just freaked out on you for no apparent reason”, “I’m sorry I used that harsh tone of voice”, “I’m sorry I blamed you for something you didn’t even do”, “I’m sorry I don’t give enough grace to you”, etc., etc.
The worst part about it is that people always seem to get meaner as they age! I don’t get that because you’re supposed to get wiser and if you believe what the Bible says about getting more sanctified (which means that God is constantly improving the condition of your heart and therefore your actions should gradually improve)... then people should get better as they age... right? I mean, I realize that as time goes on the world around us takes it’s toll. I know that I’m definitely meaner, angrier, and more bitter than I was when I was 15. But still; if we are just destined to get worse and worse, is it even worth trying? It’s just like getting facelifts and all that... gravity will still take you down eventually, so why bother?
I guess there always are those people who get totally transformed somewhere in their early 40’s. You know the ones, they used to be in and out of jail.... constantly fighting and causing drama in their families and then one day they have their own kids and just calm down. However, with many of these types I don’t necessarily see the calming down as a good thing... it usually seems like it just means they’ve given up and resigned having any kind of passion or excitement in life. They just settle in for the hum-drum of the American dream. Are they really any better off just because they’re “good” now. So they got “better” the way their parents wanted them to, at least their parents don’t have to worry about their safety any more... but just because there is no visible turmoil, does that mean they are better, more productive, more loving, beings with true joy and intimate relationships? Usually not.
So even with all this said, I am not going to give up the fight to end the need for the apologies. Even if it's true that people are getting worse with time, I figure that all the people who fought their whole lives to constantly improve themselves, may end up to be about ½ as mean and obnoxious when they're old as they would've been if they didn't try to fight their natural tendancies when they were young! Maybe they are still better in the end for the work they put into their personal growth.
So my conclusion is that I will continue to work on fighting the urges that require me to follow them with “I’m sorrys”. If nothing else, at least for the reason that if I continue to fight my meanness and Scottie continues to grow more crotchity with age (as most seem to do) then at at least there's a chance that we might even-out one day! So when I'm old I will have improved, but my age will simultaneously make me digress so overall I will stabilize to be in the same place I am now... all the while he might be growing worse all along so that by then he will just deserve all the things I’m doing to him now and I will no longer have to apologize for it!! How’s that for logic!! :-)
