I understand that not everyone values coolness... and I definitely think that's a good thing. If everyone valued coolness, there's all kinds of things we wouldn't have... most of them being inventions and scientific discoveries! The nerds are valuable members of our society!
I however, am not privileged enough to have the kind of brain that earned me wedgies in high school, so I have to place at least some of my value to society in the virtue of being cool.
What I mean by that is, one of my goals in life is to always be as relevant as possible to as many people as possible. Since I've had to give up my aspirations to invent the first time traveling Toyota Prius (since time traveling Deloreans are SO 1985), I have decided that if I want to create change in the world, it will be through my ability to influence people (rather than the space time continuum or the popularity of the Prius).
To develop influence I figure I have to either pick and influential group to lead or lead the masses. Well, I'm not influential enough in any area to be the MOST influential in a category. I'm completely befuddled by politics (but I DO know the word "befuddled"!), and I'm totally lost in the world of intellectuals (again... I have never received a swirly), and being a feminist (or any kind of activist for that matter) sounds exhausting to me. So that leaves me with just trying to affect average joes who can then affect other average joes. And what's more average joe than celebrity gossip, TV show trivia, and general pop culture savviness?! So that's my niche.... transform the most useless parts of our culture into something that enables me to impact at least one group of people. The bonus is that there's now at least one category I stand a chance at in trivia games!
A note to older people reading this: Since this blog is about coolness and changing with the times, I will address the subject of aging and older people. Please, no one take offense to this! This blog is NOT based on anyone specific or anything like that.... and the fact that you use the internet and read blogs is proof that this blog is not about you! If you do happen to see something that you feel is a weakness of your own... just consider it a challenge to work on it!
This is an important topic to me because I am so NOT open to change (a major component for coolness)... but I am fully aware at how that hinders me so I'm working hard on it. There are 3 main things in my life that made me notice the value of being open to new things (therefore gaining coolness points) even if I don't necessarily think they are the "better" way.
1. I decided texting was stupid so I stopped doing it. And I lost friends. That's just how they get ahold of people and plan stuff! So just because I thought it was lame, I fought something that really did me no good to fight. Sticking with the old fashioned "better" ways of calling people, did not improve my relationships like I thought it would. This made me think about what it will be like when I'm old if I refuse to communicate with my grandkids in their preferred format (even if I think it's a stupid format)... and how that will lead to me rarely communicating with them at all.
2. I noticed that I connected with Scottie's grandma very well the very first time I met her, and it's rare that I feel comfortable with an older person I don't know that quickly. Then I realized that it was because she talked to me about stuff that I knew about, rather than just telling me stories about things I have no idea about (like churning her own butter or something). She reads every issue of People magazine cover to cover and she watches every popular TV show out there (she knows more about "Desparate Housewives" and "So You Think You Can Dance" than almost anyone I know!). And then benefit to that is she doesn't give me weird looks that make me feel bad for the strange new combo of scarves and tank tops I'm wearing... because she saw Jessica Simpson wearing that months ago! And she doesn't step out of a conversation because she feels left out when we start quoting movie lines or talking about our ipods. She joins right in, acting as a function part of the group rather than a spectator (as many old people get to the point of feeling like I think). Btw, (she would probably even know what that means too!) I think stories about her life growing up are amazing and unbelievably valuable. I'm just saying that she can relay those EVEN BETTER to me if she knows where I'm coming from when I hear them.
3. One day my cousin (7 years younger than me) and I were shopping and I picked up a pair of earrings to show her. She gave me a sympathetic look (like she felt SO bad for me for being so uncool) and said, "um Breanna... people don't really.... well, they don't really wear those anymore". And I immediately recognized the tone of voice she was using on me. It was the same voice I use when I go shopping with people who I think are "old".
After recovering from my total panic of realizing that high school for me was actually a lot longer ago than I thought... I started thinking about her view of me. Now, everything I say is tainted with that "well she doesn't REALLY know what's going on" lens and it's like a swift kick to knock down everything I have to say to her that immediately takes it to a level of "yeah, whatever Breanna". If she disregards me as old and out of it, then I've lost my ability to influence her.
I decided that one day, she won't care about how cool I am and she will see past that and see the value of my opinions and everything. But what about now?! I can just write off everyone in a certain age group (i.e. the same thing she's doing to me) or I can still value her as a person and still try to influence her life now, even if I have to leave behind my old fashioned "better" ways of doing so.
Her way may not be best in my mind, but if it's the only way that works for her, I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be involved in her life (because NOW is probably the time she needs me more than ever)! There's that phrase "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care". Well being involved in all the things that are important in her world, show how much I care. And then maybe, just MAYBE, she'll care about what I have to say to her. (Sorry, un-named, 7 years younger than me cousin, you weren't that bad really, it was just that 1 time, and it was a good thing for me!). :-)
Like I said, I know this way isn't the way that everyone should go. But I enjoy this stuff anyways, so I might as well indulge my secret crush on People Magazine and my infatuation with certain shows on the "E" channel... since I can now justify it! I do have a disclaimer to all of this however, I do NOT endorse parents who read the urban dictionary so they can speak teen, or mom's who wear tube tops and Ugg boots... parents still need to be parents to some degree. It is not anyone over the age of 30's job to be on the same level of cool as their kids... it's just their job to understand what cool is!
So I've decided that if I want to maintain a lifelong knowledge of cool to at least some degree, then it will start by making a few commitments to myself. Some of these are for the sake of being "relevant" to the younger people around me and some are just born from my own youthful pride that says, "oh I hope I'm not like THAT when I get old"!
Commitments to myself as I age:
I will not let fear of the unknown dictate my actions
I will always read People magazine (or whatever Mag is cool when I'm old!)
I will always find ways to talk to people younger than me
I will change my hairstyle once every 5 years
I will keep my mind sharp (even if I have to resort to playing Trivial pursuit with Scottie)
I will watch the news
I will go see movies
I will read new books
I will let my grandkids talk about what's important to them (even if its totally boring to me)
I will never make a decision based soley on fear
I will never dismiss new music, technology, communication, etc. without first learning about it
I will not be too arrogant to accept younger people's thoughts
I will pay attention to my appearance
I will eat healthy and stay active
I will be humble enough to ask people younger than me to explain things I don't understand
I will go to unfamiliar places
I will not let my routine dictate my life
I will drive at unfamiliar times in unfamiliar places (until my family tells me I'm a scary driver)
I will ask younger people their opinions (and listen)
I will be an initiator in my relationships with people
You can all yell at me for not doing these things starting now. Since I am making this list as a result of how bad I am at this stuff... Oh this is going to suck! Ha ha!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Back by popular demand... my "Deciding to Marry" blog
This is a blog I posted on Myspace a couple of years ago. Since then, I’ve had such a significant response to it that I decided it was about time to re-post it on my blog and Facebook (since no one even knows what the word “Myspace” means anymore).
Note: This subject is a huge passion of mine and I have put careful thought into this and chosen to dedicate my life's work to it (well at least I had at the time I originally wrote it). So though it is lengthy, if you choose to read it, please read the whole thing. It is very important to me, and hopefully it with be helpful to you and very worthwhile your time.
By the way, this was originally written to a Christian audience, so it is based on a Christian worldview. If you disagree with that worldview, please read it with an open mind because it still might have some general principles of application for you in it too.
Here it goes…..
I have worked with college students for the past 5 or 6 years now (even though I no longer do so "officially"). And of course, being the nature of the age, I have seen many a people get married over that time. As I have talked with many of these brides to be (by the way, I do not have a particular person in mind), I have seen one common thread that makes me very wary. There is one phrase in particular that chills my bones that I have heard over and over again:
"Well, I know it will be OK because we're both Christians and God will bless our marriage".
This phrase is usually said by someone who is getting married super fast after only dating the person for less than 6 months. The reason this phrase is so petrifying to me is because of the theology that lies behind it. It is a faulty theology that could actually destroy your life and make you miserable, so please pay attention.
From now on when I hear this phrase, I am going to follow it up with this question: "What do you think 'bless' means?" Because I am pretty sure that most people think it means that God will make you happy. So my next question, is where do you get the idea that God promises to make you happy no matter what? God commands us to do many things when making a big decision. He says to use wisdom, follow God's clear will (that is specifically written in the Bible), listen to wise counsel, be patient, and pray. Plus much more (particularly found in Proverbs- the book of wisdom). So it really bothers me when I see Christians making a decision, but not thinking too hard on it because they believe that even if they ignore these specific things outlined in scripture, that God will come in and save them. Granted, God could choose to come rescue them from their natural consequences of a bad decision, but I do not think it is reasonable, nor Biblical to EXPECT that God will come in and rescue you out of your consequences. I want everyone who is single, dating, or engaged to listen closely to this...
It is a very real possibility that you could end up completely miserable for the rest of your life, hating your marriage and your spouse every single day. You are not immune to this just because you are a Christian.
If you really believe God will make you happy no matter what (you may not know you believe it, but ask yourself really), you are placing your entire future- every day of your life for the rest of your life- in a false promise that God never gave us.
Yes, God does work all things for good for those who love him. But do you think good translates to: God works all things out to make those who love him happy with an easy life? No. I'm sure that if you end up in a horrible marriage, you will learn a lot from it and you will be able to help and encourage others in the same situation. It is my guess that a lot of that is the good that would possibly come out of it. But it is very likely that had you made a wiser choice before you got married, you could have an AWESOME marriage that you truly enjoy and God would still bring a lot of good out of that too. Just because God will work things out for good, does not give you the freedom to make an irresponsible decision and then expect God to save you from it and make you happy anyways. And I hope it goes without saying that just because you are unhappy in your marriage, does not give you the right to get out of it. You are stuck there, living unhappy for the rest of your lives- that is a very real reality that I feel like most Christians getting married choose to ignore! A successful marriage is not just one that lasts, it is one that is healthy and God glorifying (not necessarily perfect). If 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce, how many of the other 50% do you think are actually happy? How many are miserable? What makes you think that you are different enough or special enough that you will make it to be one of the happy 25% (guessing on the percentage), especially if you are rash in your decision to get married?
In case you don't believe me, lets look at what you are really saying when you say that God will work your marriage out for good and bless it (therefore you will be happy so you don't have to worry too much about making the right choice). When you say this you are assuming one of two things. 1. You will be able to get a divorce if this doesn't make you happy (because after all, its God fault for not keeping up his end of the deal and "blessing" it). 2. If you follow all the guidelines in the Bible you will have an awesome marriage. This is true, but unfortunately, you can not possibly follow all the guidelines perfectly and earn yourself a perfect, happy marriage. Just because you are Christians and you have been given the "key" to a perfect marriage, doesn't mean you will have one. 3. God wants me to be happy. Actually he wants what's best for you and that isn't necessarily happiness. Just look at the isolated, different little boy who grew up to be a man who was mocked by his peers, deserted by his best friends, and brutally tortured and killed by the time he was 30- oh yeah, his name was Jesus. And look at all the verses that talk about persecution, sacrifice, and dying to yourself- I'm pretty sure that only Americans are able to translate that message into a message that says "God wants you to be happy". I digress.
Now for the heart of this. I have addressed why people justify making unwise decisions, but now lets look at what could possibly qualify as unwise. Now, much prefacing is needed here so that you see my heart here. First of all, I'm not saying that if you did not do this, your marriage is not blessed by God or anything even close to that. And I am not saying that if you do these things you will have a bad marriage, that is not necessarily true. I am just suggesting that you are playing with bad odds and I would advise against that. I just do not have any reason to believe that it would ever be wise for me to advise someone to go ahead and do the things I am going to warn about in the following sections. I am speaking to people who are as of yet, unmarried and I am pleading with them to do everything in their power to examine their decision and their heart behind their decision. I'm encouraging them to take every precaution in their power to make the right decision, but I am not saying that the Bible specifically says to do the following things. I am not saying you are sinning if you don't do these things (you could be, but you could not be). I am saying, be careful.
For one, you need to listen to your instinct. If there are red flags, pay attention. Don't think that it is OK because this person is a Christian. Once again, that doesn't mean that God will spare you from horrible things in your marriage. Usually the people who say the oh-so-dreaded sentence about God's blessing are the same people who are ignoring red flags. Once again, when you do this, you are placing your entire future in a false promise that God never gave us.
Second of all you need to take your time. It always amazes me that people will spend years deciding where they want to go for grad school or deciding what career they want but when it comes to marriage (the ONE thing that can not be reversed) they will decide in weeks or months. You can always change your mind and go to a different school, switch your major or any of those things. You can not change your mind and get a different spouse, so why would that be the one thing that you decide rashly? Someone told me when I was getting married "you never hear anyone said, 'we took it too slow', but you always hear people say that they rushed into it too quickly". I totally agree with that. I have yet over my 26 years of life to ever hear anyone say they regret taking their time when making a permanent, life changing decision, but you always hear that they regret moving so fast. My question is, why do you think you are any different? When you hear people's regrets so often, why do you think you have it figured out?
One reason that taking your time with a person is so crucial is because you cannot possibly know all the info that you need to know about them in order to make a wise decision about marrying them if you don't. There are various seasons to life and to relationships. There is actually a documented season in relationships called "infatuation" and that is basically the stage that many people expect to remain in forever, and they will make horrible decisions during this time period. If you make a decision before you have run through the gamete of stages, you have NO idea what you are getting yourself into with a person. They may be having a particularly good time in your life, but how do you know how they respond during devastating times? How do they treat you during those times? You may not think it matters because you believe you will always be happy, but what if you have one tragedy after another in your marriage- who that person is during trials may be who they are during the first 10 years of your marriage. You had better know who that person is before you choose to accept them for life. There are so many horrible things in marriage that can be prevented before marriage if given the time and attention. Choosing to accept something bad about someone is so much different, than being forced to accept that same thing because you are already committed to that person for life and you feel cheated because that is not the person you thought you were getting and you didn't "sign up for this".
A good rule of thumb that someone once told me is to ask "Would I still be marrying this person if I knew for a fact that they would NEVER change?" You can’t even ask that question if you don’t know all the facts about them. The problem is that many people have not even been together long enough to see those flaws in each other on any kind of real level or seen how those flaws affect the relationship. It is one thing to see a flaw and to know they are working on that, but you need to have enough time to see what "working on it means". Do they ever actually follow through? How do they deal and how do you deal when they mess up again? If you only date a few months, you have no way of knowing any of this. If you have been together to observe them working through their issues and seen what they really struggle with (and may struggle with their entire life) and can answer yes to the above question, you are in pretty good shape. If you are marrying someone whose flaws you either don't know yet, or that you are not willing accept as a permanent part of your life- you are not in a place to get married. It's not that your partner is consciously hiding those things, they may not even be aware of them themselves! You have to be an observer of them, a student of them, long enough to recognize patterns and to know what you are dealing with.
Honestly, in my personal opinion, there is only one reason to get married fast and that is if one of you is dying of cancer because then if you make a bad decision, "til death do us part" will probably come fast enough and you can still salvage your life. Other than that, I don't think there is any good reason.
Are you moving away? That is one of the hardest ways that I can think to start a new marriage: in a foreign place with no support, working on the problems you didn't have enough time to work out before you got married in pre-marital counseling, dealing with the stress of change that normally comes with marriage plus everything else, and above all else working on getting to know your spouse that you don't know very well under these trying conditions. That is a recipe for a horrible first year (which is one of the most important years as you establish habits and norms of which many will be difficult to change in the years to come.) I am not saying you should not marry and then move quickly, I am saying I believe it is unwise to get married faster than you otherwise would (when you have not been dating very long) BECAUSE you are moving. I am not judging those who have done it, and yes God can use it for a lot of good, I'm just saying that in and of itself is not a good reason to marry quicker than you should.
Are you going off to war? Maybe you should check out the divorce statistics from after WWII to see how the quick marriages turned out! Not a good reason to rush a marriage.
Are you just dying to have sex but you don't believe it's right unless you're married? This one is a little more complicated. If you dated long enough to know each other really well and you are very prepared for marriage, then I see no problem in having a short engagement and rushing the wedding planning. However, I see far too many Christians use the excuse for rushing into marriages that Paul says "it is better to marry than to burn with lust." That is taking that way out of context. Paul is talking about whether you should marry or not EVER, that verse is better applied to catholic priests who take out their lust on little boys than for people who plan on marrying one day but decide to rush into without weighing the costs enough. He is saying, "if you can't stay celibate your whole life, you probably shouldn't try". If you really think that can be applied to you marrying a girl quickly just because you really want to have sex, then you should have gotten married when you were 15 in order to be appropriately following the Bible. No matter what, we are called to control our desires. If you can't control your lust now, getting married won't change that. Just because you get to have sex sometimes, doesn't mean you get to have sex every single moment that you want it. You are not going to be so satisfied every moment of every day and you will be tempted just as you are now. If you are used to dwelling on the bodies of every girl you walk past, you will do the same thing when you are married. Marriage does not solve the problem of lust, it just makes it a lot more complicated. I would venture to go so far as to say that (at the risk of taking this too far) if you are applying the Pauline principal here because you can't control yourself, then I would almost say you are probably should not get married yet! Because now your lust is only hurting yourself, but later it will hurt your wife too! If you are lusting, you are breaking a command already, to follow up one bad choice with another (marrying someone you shouldn't) is not going to help you.
There are all kinds of other reasons people get married fast without the proper amount of thought, counsel, or time to make a wise decision. Some think it will make them happy… it probably won't- it is freaking hard & causes more difficult problems and then you can even imagine. Some do it to escape their current situation. Most of those people need a lot of individual counseling before they are healthy enough for a marriage. And some people (mostly girls) think it will put together their perfect little life and make them princess for a day with everyone looking at their happy little life of dinner parties and surprise flowers. I don't even know where to start with that one, just trust me- not true!
I do not say any of this because I am unhappy in my marriage or because I wish I married someone different. I say it because of the exact opposite reason. I say this because I love my husband so much and I feel like I could not be happier with any other guy on the planet, and yet even with that marriage is the most ridiculously hard- sometimes even horrible thing I've ever had to do. It is that which makes me wonder how people who do not marry someone as totally amazing and wonderful as I did, can do it! I know that if it is so hard for me with an excellent husband, how hopeless and awful so many other people's marriages must be! If I wasn't absolutely convinced that Scottie was the person I should have married, my attitude would be so different about all of this hard work than it is. That is why I am stressing that if you aren't sure about this person- and by sure I do not mean that it "feels" right and you are in love- I mean that it is tried, true, and tested sure- then I beg of you, please, please do not get married! It is so different than you could ever think and you need to make a wise, well thought out, logical decision before you do it. And that is all this is about, it's about not resting on ideas of false realities sold by Hollywood, or bad theology, or the stories of a few people who's marriages were salvaged by God out of his grace (speaking to "itching ears"), or on the promises of a person you are about to marry that you hardly know. Most of the time the only things you can rest on are: clear Biblical instruction, wise counsel from solid people who know and love you, your own intuition, and God's grace to help you make it through your marriage. You can't always prevent problems in your marriage or always know if you are marrying the right person (it is a gamble), but you can usually recognize a lot of the bad signs IF YOU ARE WILLING TO SEE THEM.
Note: This subject is a huge passion of mine and I have put careful thought into this and chosen to dedicate my life's work to it (well at least I had at the time I originally wrote it). So though it is lengthy, if you choose to read it, please read the whole thing. It is very important to me, and hopefully it with be helpful to you and very worthwhile your time.
By the way, this was originally written to a Christian audience, so it is based on a Christian worldview. If you disagree with that worldview, please read it with an open mind because it still might have some general principles of application for you in it too.
Here it goes…..
I have worked with college students for the past 5 or 6 years now (even though I no longer do so "officially"). And of course, being the nature of the age, I have seen many a people get married over that time. As I have talked with many of these brides to be (by the way, I do not have a particular person in mind), I have seen one common thread that makes me very wary. There is one phrase in particular that chills my bones that I have heard over and over again:
"Well, I know it will be OK because we're both Christians and God will bless our marriage".
This phrase is usually said by someone who is getting married super fast after only dating the person for less than 6 months. The reason this phrase is so petrifying to me is because of the theology that lies behind it. It is a faulty theology that could actually destroy your life and make you miserable, so please pay attention.
From now on when I hear this phrase, I am going to follow it up with this question: "What do you think 'bless' means?" Because I am pretty sure that most people think it means that God will make you happy. So my next question, is where do you get the idea that God promises to make you happy no matter what? God commands us to do many things when making a big decision. He says to use wisdom, follow God's clear will (that is specifically written in the Bible), listen to wise counsel, be patient, and pray. Plus much more (particularly found in Proverbs- the book of wisdom). So it really bothers me when I see Christians making a decision, but not thinking too hard on it because they believe that even if they ignore these specific things outlined in scripture, that God will come in and save them. Granted, God could choose to come rescue them from their natural consequences of a bad decision, but I do not think it is reasonable, nor Biblical to EXPECT that God will come in and rescue you out of your consequences. I want everyone who is single, dating, or engaged to listen closely to this...
It is a very real possibility that you could end up completely miserable for the rest of your life, hating your marriage and your spouse every single day. You are not immune to this just because you are a Christian.
If you really believe God will make you happy no matter what (you may not know you believe it, but ask yourself really), you are placing your entire future- every day of your life for the rest of your life- in a false promise that God never gave us.
Yes, God does work all things for good for those who love him. But do you think good translates to: God works all things out to make those who love him happy with an easy life? No. I'm sure that if you end up in a horrible marriage, you will learn a lot from it and you will be able to help and encourage others in the same situation. It is my guess that a lot of that is the good that would possibly come out of it. But it is very likely that had you made a wiser choice before you got married, you could have an AWESOME marriage that you truly enjoy and God would still bring a lot of good out of that too. Just because God will work things out for good, does not give you the freedom to make an irresponsible decision and then expect God to save you from it and make you happy anyways. And I hope it goes without saying that just because you are unhappy in your marriage, does not give you the right to get out of it. You are stuck there, living unhappy for the rest of your lives- that is a very real reality that I feel like most Christians getting married choose to ignore! A successful marriage is not just one that lasts, it is one that is healthy and God glorifying (not necessarily perfect). If 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce, how many of the other 50% do you think are actually happy? How many are miserable? What makes you think that you are different enough or special enough that you will make it to be one of the happy 25% (guessing on the percentage), especially if you are rash in your decision to get married?
In case you don't believe me, lets look at what you are really saying when you say that God will work your marriage out for good and bless it (therefore you will be happy so you don't have to worry too much about making the right choice). When you say this you are assuming one of two things. 1. You will be able to get a divorce if this doesn't make you happy (because after all, its God fault for not keeping up his end of the deal and "blessing" it). 2. If you follow all the guidelines in the Bible you will have an awesome marriage. This is true, but unfortunately, you can not possibly follow all the guidelines perfectly and earn yourself a perfect, happy marriage. Just because you are Christians and you have been given the "key" to a perfect marriage, doesn't mean you will have one. 3. God wants me to be happy. Actually he wants what's best for you and that isn't necessarily happiness. Just look at the isolated, different little boy who grew up to be a man who was mocked by his peers, deserted by his best friends, and brutally tortured and killed by the time he was 30- oh yeah, his name was Jesus. And look at all the verses that talk about persecution, sacrifice, and dying to yourself- I'm pretty sure that only Americans are able to translate that message into a message that says "God wants you to be happy". I digress.
Now for the heart of this. I have addressed why people justify making unwise decisions, but now lets look at what could possibly qualify as unwise. Now, much prefacing is needed here so that you see my heart here. First of all, I'm not saying that if you did not do this, your marriage is not blessed by God or anything even close to that. And I am not saying that if you do these things you will have a bad marriage, that is not necessarily true. I am just suggesting that you are playing with bad odds and I would advise against that. I just do not have any reason to believe that it would ever be wise for me to advise someone to go ahead and do the things I am going to warn about in the following sections. I am speaking to people who are as of yet, unmarried and I am pleading with them to do everything in their power to examine their decision and their heart behind their decision. I'm encouraging them to take every precaution in their power to make the right decision, but I am not saying that the Bible specifically says to do the following things. I am not saying you are sinning if you don't do these things (you could be, but you could not be). I am saying, be careful.
For one, you need to listen to your instinct. If there are red flags, pay attention. Don't think that it is OK because this person is a Christian. Once again, that doesn't mean that God will spare you from horrible things in your marriage. Usually the people who say the oh-so-dreaded sentence about God's blessing are the same people who are ignoring red flags. Once again, when you do this, you are placing your entire future in a false promise that God never gave us.
Second of all you need to take your time. It always amazes me that people will spend years deciding where they want to go for grad school or deciding what career they want but when it comes to marriage (the ONE thing that can not be reversed) they will decide in weeks or months. You can always change your mind and go to a different school, switch your major or any of those things. You can not change your mind and get a different spouse, so why would that be the one thing that you decide rashly? Someone told me when I was getting married "you never hear anyone said, 'we took it too slow', but you always hear people say that they rushed into it too quickly". I totally agree with that. I have yet over my 26 years of life to ever hear anyone say they regret taking their time when making a permanent, life changing decision, but you always hear that they regret moving so fast. My question is, why do you think you are any different? When you hear people's regrets so often, why do you think you have it figured out?
One reason that taking your time with a person is so crucial is because you cannot possibly know all the info that you need to know about them in order to make a wise decision about marrying them if you don't. There are various seasons to life and to relationships. There is actually a documented season in relationships called "infatuation" and that is basically the stage that many people expect to remain in forever, and they will make horrible decisions during this time period. If you make a decision before you have run through the gamete of stages, you have NO idea what you are getting yourself into with a person. They may be having a particularly good time in your life, but how do you know how they respond during devastating times? How do they treat you during those times? You may not think it matters because you believe you will always be happy, but what if you have one tragedy after another in your marriage- who that person is during trials may be who they are during the first 10 years of your marriage. You had better know who that person is before you choose to accept them for life. There are so many horrible things in marriage that can be prevented before marriage if given the time and attention. Choosing to accept something bad about someone is so much different, than being forced to accept that same thing because you are already committed to that person for life and you feel cheated because that is not the person you thought you were getting and you didn't "sign up for this".
A good rule of thumb that someone once told me is to ask "Would I still be marrying this person if I knew for a fact that they would NEVER change?" You can’t even ask that question if you don’t know all the facts about them. The problem is that many people have not even been together long enough to see those flaws in each other on any kind of real level or seen how those flaws affect the relationship. It is one thing to see a flaw and to know they are working on that, but you need to have enough time to see what "working on it means". Do they ever actually follow through? How do they deal and how do you deal when they mess up again? If you only date a few months, you have no way of knowing any of this. If you have been together to observe them working through their issues and seen what they really struggle with (and may struggle with their entire life) and can answer yes to the above question, you are in pretty good shape. If you are marrying someone whose flaws you either don't know yet, or that you are not willing accept as a permanent part of your life- you are not in a place to get married. It's not that your partner is consciously hiding those things, they may not even be aware of them themselves! You have to be an observer of them, a student of them, long enough to recognize patterns and to know what you are dealing with.
Honestly, in my personal opinion, there is only one reason to get married fast and that is if one of you is dying of cancer because then if you make a bad decision, "til death do us part" will probably come fast enough and you can still salvage your life. Other than that, I don't think there is any good reason.
Are you moving away? That is one of the hardest ways that I can think to start a new marriage: in a foreign place with no support, working on the problems you didn't have enough time to work out before you got married in pre-marital counseling, dealing with the stress of change that normally comes with marriage plus everything else, and above all else working on getting to know your spouse that you don't know very well under these trying conditions. That is a recipe for a horrible first year (which is one of the most important years as you establish habits and norms of which many will be difficult to change in the years to come.) I am not saying you should not marry and then move quickly, I am saying I believe it is unwise to get married faster than you otherwise would (when you have not been dating very long) BECAUSE you are moving. I am not judging those who have done it, and yes God can use it for a lot of good, I'm just saying that in and of itself is not a good reason to marry quicker than you should.
Are you going off to war? Maybe you should check out the divorce statistics from after WWII to see how the quick marriages turned out! Not a good reason to rush a marriage.
Are you just dying to have sex but you don't believe it's right unless you're married? This one is a little more complicated. If you dated long enough to know each other really well and you are very prepared for marriage, then I see no problem in having a short engagement and rushing the wedding planning. However, I see far too many Christians use the excuse for rushing into marriages that Paul says "it is better to marry than to burn with lust." That is taking that way out of context. Paul is talking about whether you should marry or not EVER, that verse is better applied to catholic priests who take out their lust on little boys than for people who plan on marrying one day but decide to rush into without weighing the costs enough. He is saying, "if you can't stay celibate your whole life, you probably shouldn't try". If you really think that can be applied to you marrying a girl quickly just because you really want to have sex, then you should have gotten married when you were 15 in order to be appropriately following the Bible. No matter what, we are called to control our desires. If you can't control your lust now, getting married won't change that. Just because you get to have sex sometimes, doesn't mean you get to have sex every single moment that you want it. You are not going to be so satisfied every moment of every day and you will be tempted just as you are now. If you are used to dwelling on the bodies of every girl you walk past, you will do the same thing when you are married. Marriage does not solve the problem of lust, it just makes it a lot more complicated. I would venture to go so far as to say that (at the risk of taking this too far) if you are applying the Pauline principal here because you can't control yourself, then I would almost say you are probably should not get married yet! Because now your lust is only hurting yourself, but later it will hurt your wife too! If you are lusting, you are breaking a command already, to follow up one bad choice with another (marrying someone you shouldn't) is not going to help you.
There are all kinds of other reasons people get married fast without the proper amount of thought, counsel, or time to make a wise decision. Some think it will make them happy… it probably won't- it is freaking hard & causes more difficult problems and then you can even imagine. Some do it to escape their current situation. Most of those people need a lot of individual counseling before they are healthy enough for a marriage. And some people (mostly girls) think it will put together their perfect little life and make them princess for a day with everyone looking at their happy little life of dinner parties and surprise flowers. I don't even know where to start with that one, just trust me- not true!
I do not say any of this because I am unhappy in my marriage or because I wish I married someone different. I say it because of the exact opposite reason. I say this because I love my husband so much and I feel like I could not be happier with any other guy on the planet, and yet even with that marriage is the most ridiculously hard- sometimes even horrible thing I've ever had to do. It is that which makes me wonder how people who do not marry someone as totally amazing and wonderful as I did, can do it! I know that if it is so hard for me with an excellent husband, how hopeless and awful so many other people's marriages must be! If I wasn't absolutely convinced that Scottie was the person I should have married, my attitude would be so different about all of this hard work than it is. That is why I am stressing that if you aren't sure about this person- and by sure I do not mean that it "feels" right and you are in love- I mean that it is tried, true, and tested sure- then I beg of you, please, please do not get married! It is so different than you could ever think and you need to make a wise, well thought out, logical decision before you do it. And that is all this is about, it's about not resting on ideas of false realities sold by Hollywood, or bad theology, or the stories of a few people who's marriages were salvaged by God out of his grace (speaking to "itching ears"), or on the promises of a person you are about to marry that you hardly know. Most of the time the only things you can rest on are: clear Biblical instruction, wise counsel from solid people who know and love you, your own intuition, and God's grace to help you make it through your marriage. You can't always prevent problems in your marriage or always know if you are marrying the right person (it is a gamble), but you can usually recognize a lot of the bad signs IF YOU ARE WILLING TO SEE THEM.
Facebook: The problem or the solution?
So I hear this all the time... "Facebook is such a waste of time", "Facebook promotes shallow relationships", "Facebook is a sad sign of the direction our relationships are headed", etc., etc.
So I am here to provide a counter to those arguments. I'm going to go with the "shallow relationships part first". So you spend an hour a day reading short little snippets from your friends' lives and get updated on what they're doing at all hours of the day. And you feel like you know a little bit about each person. It's like small talk with 30 people a day or so. So lets provide a scenario where you run into 1 friend that you interact with on Facebook and the next day you run into another friend who you haven't talked to in a week. So your conversation with your facebook friend goes like this... they say "wow, I'm so glad your baby is OK now! How are you doing? Are you emotionally exhausted?" And that leads into an in depth discussion of how your marriage has been affected, how you've been getting depressed as a result of it, etc., etc.". Then you run into another person who hasn't been keeping up on your life all week and you launch into a full explanation of the series of events surrounding your baby in the hospital. You talk about that for 1/2 an hour, then they update you on their life for 1/2 an hour... then you say bye because it's time to leave. You spend all your time updating each other and then you don't have time to go into your emotions about it all, how it's really affecting you... all the deep stuff in your life! You spend all your time together in the small talk that you got out of the way with your other friend during the week on Facebook.
So I propose that Facebook actually allows you to go DEEPER in your life with people, rather than keeping you at a shallow level as people regularly imply!
We all know that our lives our too busy, we all know we should be spending more time in relationships with people than we do, and we all feel like we don't have time for that. And then we blame Facebook as being part of the problem. I don't think Facebook is part of the problem... I think it is a RESULT of our problem. But I think it's more of a solution than a symptom.
I think Facebook stems from our desire to have deeper relationships, while being unable to find ways to slow down our busy lifestyle. We have found a way to cut to the chase in our face to face meetings in order to shorten the time we need to spend with people in order to have deeper relationships. If the result is the same (deeper, more fulfilling relationships) whether you spend a lot of time or a little bit of time with someone, then I don't think the road you take to get there is that important.
In addition to busyness, another problem in our lives is the sheer amount of people that we have intimate contact with throughout our existence due to our transportation and technology advances. If you grew up in the old West, the people in your town (the people you saw everyday) were the ones who were important to you (as well as your family that you left behind in a covered wagon but you don't have the ability to keep in touch with them),and that was it! You didn't have old college roommates who moved to France, or best friends from High School who are a 45 min. drive from you. Now, we have people all over the world that mean something to us and there is a strong pull to stay involved with people we love but there's also a resistance because it's too overwhelming. So is it really better to say "oh forget the old people" I'll just deepen the relationships with people I see right now?" I myself don't think so because there is value to those relationships too. So then there's Facebook... something that solves this problem. It allows us to keep in contact with people from our past that we care about, while simultaneously deepening the relationships with the people that are in our lives now who we see on a regular basis. Is there a downside to that?
So you say, “well you can always call those people to stay in touch and that’s better.” Can you honestly tell me that you remember to call everyone that you should every week? Do you call those 5 closest friends, plus 5 of your old friends, plus your cousins, plus your aunts and uncles, grandparents, parents, siblings, etc.? I talk to all those people once a week on Facebook. I could just email them, but I'm never going to think to do it. On Facebook I open it up and there are all my cousins online so I chat with them. And those are conversations with those people I would not otherwise be having! I think having conversations without "tone of voice" involved is better than having no conversations at all! Because now when I do see my cousins at Christmas, not only do we dive deeper quicker, we also feel like we know each other better so we are more open with one another and we trust one another more. I know what important things to ask them about (because I read it in their status update) and they are more willing to tell me about it because I talk to them more than just 4 times a year now! Our relationships have been completely transformed by this! Not to mention I've become better friends with their friends too now over Facebook, which bonds us into a tighter community, plus we share photos of our lives now, etc., etc. I am much closer to many of my family members ever since we signed on to Facebook.
The only downside I see is that we spend alot of our time that used to be "productive" on Facebook. But is that a real downside... what do you really value? OK, so that's a negative thing for our employers, I get that.I'm not saying it's OK to spend all your time at work on Facebook (that's like stealing from your company since your time is worth money to them). I'm just challenging all the people who call Facebook "a WASTE of time" to define the word "waste". Basically, you're nurturing deeper relationships rather than working more. Isn't that what we always say we should be doing? The only time you can call deepening relationships a waste is when you deem productivity as solely meaning financial gain or success or something like that. If you are getting to know people better, I think that is the opposite of "wasted time". Besides all of you who chastise people for "wasting their time on Facebook" probably waste your time in ways that are not at all related to building relationships right? So I think time spent on Facebook is much more valuable that many of the other things I could be doing right now!
OK so yes, there's a lot of stupid crap on Facebook that you can waste your time on, I myself have a virtual pet (so lame) and there's the quizzes, and the mafia wars, etc. There's also a lot of people you DON'T really care about or people who were unhealthy for you in the past. Well as far as the waste of time applications go, I propose that it's not the biggest sin ever to waste time! I think that comes from the rushed mentality we are trying to fight! I create my virtual pet's habitat when my brain is wore out and I need to sit back and chill for 15 minutes... I don't think that's a bad thing. I know people say, "why don't you go read". Whatever... you wouldn't go read either, you'd just check sports scores or watch youtube or something. As far as people you don't want to be friends with... don't be friends with them. When you push ignore, it doesn't send them a rejection letter. Or if you HAVE to accept them, just hide their updates or hide yourself from them when you're online so they don't chat with you... it's not that hard to avoid people you don't want to talk to.
I would say the only TRUE downside of Facebook is that too much of anything becomes a bad thing. Facebook relationships can supplement your normal relationships and that's a bad thing. However, I don't think that's a place that's as easy to get to as people think. Don't you go to work every day? Don't you see people on a pretty regular basis face to face whether you want to or not? There are some relationships that will become completely internet based, but those are the people from your past that you don't have time to keep up with now anyways and I think some contact with your loved ones is better than none. I think the scary time comes when you choose facebook OVER face-to-face contact. When you spend all night on it rather than hanging out with your spouse or kids, stuff like that. But isn't that how anything is? You can spend all weekend watching sports or reading rather than spending time with your family. Facebook is the same as anything else you enjoy, you have to choose when to use it and when not to.
So you still think Facebook is a bad idea and you’re set on just using the phone. For one, I'm sure that's how people felt when the phone first came out... but I think adopting that invention has improved our social lives. And two, if you actually do that, can you really tell me that those 5 people who are important to you enough to call, will actually answer when you call them? Probably not because they're too busy to talk on the phone. So even if you decide to live that way, good luck trying to convince others to do the same. It doesn't fit into our lifestyle. You're not going to get everyone you know to go along with you, so you can spend all your time fighting this and consider it a noble fight, but I propose that you'd be wasting a lot of good time more than actually accomplishing anything, and that is time that you could be spending utilizing the tools available to you (Facebook) to be developing those relationships rather than fighting the system! Sometimes going with the grain is not the worst thing in the world. You have to weigh the costs... develop my relationships by caving to the man (and to our busy lifestyle)? Or spend my time avoiding this out of principle and spend all my conversations catching up with my friends rather than probing deeper into their lives.
By the way, doesn't it annoy you when your grandparents refuse to use the internet for anything and you just want to send them an email? Or you know that they use all their days energy on just getting down to the post office to pay their bills so you just want to teach them to do it online to simplify their lives? Well, guess what... they didn't just get that way overnight. Somewhere along the line, they decided to fear new things so they only focused on the negative side of the new to give them an excuse to avoid braving the unknown. And you may, just MAY be on your way to becoming like that and your grandkids will be just as frustrated by how difficult you make it to for them to communicate with you (therefore hindering your relationship with them) just because you've decided that YOUR way of communication was better. It doesn't matter if it was better, if you don't adapt to change and progress with society somewhat, you will be left with neither the old way or the new way! Like if you don't communicate with your grandkids in the way the communicate, you might not communicate very much at all! Sometimes the old ways are better, but that doesn't mean that the new ways are all bad... usually the new ways are just solutions to other problems we've created in society (like excessive busyness) they are all interlocked and you can't just resist the solution while the problem still exists... that is not helpful or beneficial to anyone. (by the way, I'm very proud of my grandma for working so hard to figure out the computer AND she got on Facebook without any prodding or help from us...and she's found that she loves staying connected with people all day now that she's retired! It's been very good for her. Good job Grandma!)
So just from a personal perspective, I feel like Facebook has deepened the relationships with people I see face to face, opened up past relationships with people I care about (and I think connecting with your past is really important for personal growth), gotten me out of my "focused/time to accomplish something" mode and reminded me to invest into people more often, made me a more balanced person, and enabled me to keep the pace necessary for survival in America... while still having deep and meaningful relationships at the same time.
So I am here to provide a counter to those arguments. I'm going to go with the "shallow relationships part first". So you spend an hour a day reading short little snippets from your friends' lives and get updated on what they're doing at all hours of the day. And you feel like you know a little bit about each person. It's like small talk with 30 people a day or so. So lets provide a scenario where you run into 1 friend that you interact with on Facebook and the next day you run into another friend who you haven't talked to in a week. So your conversation with your facebook friend goes like this... they say "wow, I'm so glad your baby is OK now! How are you doing? Are you emotionally exhausted?" And that leads into an in depth discussion of how your marriage has been affected, how you've been getting depressed as a result of it, etc., etc.". Then you run into another person who hasn't been keeping up on your life all week and you launch into a full explanation of the series of events surrounding your baby in the hospital. You talk about that for 1/2 an hour, then they update you on their life for 1/2 an hour... then you say bye because it's time to leave. You spend all your time updating each other and then you don't have time to go into your emotions about it all, how it's really affecting you... all the deep stuff in your life! You spend all your time together in the small talk that you got out of the way with your other friend during the week on Facebook.
So I propose that Facebook actually allows you to go DEEPER in your life with people, rather than keeping you at a shallow level as people regularly imply!
We all know that our lives our too busy, we all know we should be spending more time in relationships with people than we do, and we all feel like we don't have time for that. And then we blame Facebook as being part of the problem. I don't think Facebook is part of the problem... I think it is a RESULT of our problem. But I think it's more of a solution than a symptom.
I think Facebook stems from our desire to have deeper relationships, while being unable to find ways to slow down our busy lifestyle. We have found a way to cut to the chase in our face to face meetings in order to shorten the time we need to spend with people in order to have deeper relationships. If the result is the same (deeper, more fulfilling relationships) whether you spend a lot of time or a little bit of time with someone, then I don't think the road you take to get there is that important.
In addition to busyness, another problem in our lives is the sheer amount of people that we have intimate contact with throughout our existence due to our transportation and technology advances. If you grew up in the old West, the people in your town (the people you saw everyday) were the ones who were important to you (as well as your family that you left behind in a covered wagon but you don't have the ability to keep in touch with them),and that was it! You didn't have old college roommates who moved to France, or best friends from High School who are a 45 min. drive from you. Now, we have people all over the world that mean something to us and there is a strong pull to stay involved with people we love but there's also a resistance because it's too overwhelming. So is it really better to say "oh forget the old people" I'll just deepen the relationships with people I see right now?" I myself don't think so because there is value to those relationships too. So then there's Facebook... something that solves this problem. It allows us to keep in contact with people from our past that we care about, while simultaneously deepening the relationships with the people that are in our lives now who we see on a regular basis. Is there a downside to that?
So you say, “well you can always call those people to stay in touch and that’s better.” Can you honestly tell me that you remember to call everyone that you should every week? Do you call those 5 closest friends, plus 5 of your old friends, plus your cousins, plus your aunts and uncles, grandparents, parents, siblings, etc.? I talk to all those people once a week on Facebook. I could just email them, but I'm never going to think to do it. On Facebook I open it up and there are all my cousins online so I chat with them. And those are conversations with those people I would not otherwise be having! I think having conversations without "tone of voice" involved is better than having no conversations at all! Because now when I do see my cousins at Christmas, not only do we dive deeper quicker, we also feel like we know each other better so we are more open with one another and we trust one another more. I know what important things to ask them about (because I read it in their status update) and they are more willing to tell me about it because I talk to them more than just 4 times a year now! Our relationships have been completely transformed by this! Not to mention I've become better friends with their friends too now over Facebook, which bonds us into a tighter community, plus we share photos of our lives now, etc., etc. I am much closer to many of my family members ever since we signed on to Facebook.
The only downside I see is that we spend alot of our time that used to be "productive" on Facebook. But is that a real downside... what do you really value? OK, so that's a negative thing for our employers, I get that.I'm not saying it's OK to spend all your time at work on Facebook (that's like stealing from your company since your time is worth money to them). I'm just challenging all the people who call Facebook "a WASTE of time" to define the word "waste". Basically, you're nurturing deeper relationships rather than working more. Isn't that what we always say we should be doing? The only time you can call deepening relationships a waste is when you deem productivity as solely meaning financial gain or success or something like that. If you are getting to know people better, I think that is the opposite of "wasted time". Besides all of you who chastise people for "wasting their time on Facebook" probably waste your time in ways that are not at all related to building relationships right? So I think time spent on Facebook is much more valuable that many of the other things I could be doing right now!
OK so yes, there's a lot of stupid crap on Facebook that you can waste your time on, I myself have a virtual pet (so lame) and there's the quizzes, and the mafia wars, etc. There's also a lot of people you DON'T really care about or people who were unhealthy for you in the past. Well as far as the waste of time applications go, I propose that it's not the biggest sin ever to waste time! I think that comes from the rushed mentality we are trying to fight! I create my virtual pet's habitat when my brain is wore out and I need to sit back and chill for 15 minutes... I don't think that's a bad thing. I know people say, "why don't you go read". Whatever... you wouldn't go read either, you'd just check sports scores or watch youtube or something. As far as people you don't want to be friends with... don't be friends with them. When you push ignore, it doesn't send them a rejection letter. Or if you HAVE to accept them, just hide their updates or hide yourself from them when you're online so they don't chat with you... it's not that hard to avoid people you don't want to talk to.
I would say the only TRUE downside of Facebook is that too much of anything becomes a bad thing. Facebook relationships can supplement your normal relationships and that's a bad thing. However, I don't think that's a place that's as easy to get to as people think. Don't you go to work every day? Don't you see people on a pretty regular basis face to face whether you want to or not? There are some relationships that will become completely internet based, but those are the people from your past that you don't have time to keep up with now anyways and I think some contact with your loved ones is better than none. I think the scary time comes when you choose facebook OVER face-to-face contact. When you spend all night on it rather than hanging out with your spouse or kids, stuff like that. But isn't that how anything is? You can spend all weekend watching sports or reading rather than spending time with your family. Facebook is the same as anything else you enjoy, you have to choose when to use it and when not to.
So you still think Facebook is a bad idea and you’re set on just using the phone. For one, I'm sure that's how people felt when the phone first came out... but I think adopting that invention has improved our social lives. And two, if you actually do that, can you really tell me that those 5 people who are important to you enough to call, will actually answer when you call them? Probably not because they're too busy to talk on the phone. So even if you decide to live that way, good luck trying to convince others to do the same. It doesn't fit into our lifestyle. You're not going to get everyone you know to go along with you, so you can spend all your time fighting this and consider it a noble fight, but I propose that you'd be wasting a lot of good time more than actually accomplishing anything, and that is time that you could be spending utilizing the tools available to you (Facebook) to be developing those relationships rather than fighting the system! Sometimes going with the grain is not the worst thing in the world. You have to weigh the costs... develop my relationships by caving to the man (and to our busy lifestyle)? Or spend my time avoiding this out of principle and spend all my conversations catching up with my friends rather than probing deeper into their lives.
By the way, doesn't it annoy you when your grandparents refuse to use the internet for anything and you just want to send them an email? Or you know that they use all their days energy on just getting down to the post office to pay their bills so you just want to teach them to do it online to simplify their lives? Well, guess what... they didn't just get that way overnight. Somewhere along the line, they decided to fear new things so they only focused on the negative side of the new to give them an excuse to avoid braving the unknown. And you may, just MAY be on your way to becoming like that and your grandkids will be just as frustrated by how difficult you make it to for them to communicate with you (therefore hindering your relationship with them) just because you've decided that YOUR way of communication was better. It doesn't matter if it was better, if you don't adapt to change and progress with society somewhat, you will be left with neither the old way or the new way! Like if you don't communicate with your grandkids in the way the communicate, you might not communicate very much at all! Sometimes the old ways are better, but that doesn't mean that the new ways are all bad... usually the new ways are just solutions to other problems we've created in society (like excessive busyness) they are all interlocked and you can't just resist the solution while the problem still exists... that is not helpful or beneficial to anyone. (by the way, I'm very proud of my grandma for working so hard to figure out the computer AND she got on Facebook without any prodding or help from us...and she's found that she loves staying connected with people all day now that she's retired! It's been very good for her. Good job Grandma!)
So just from a personal perspective, I feel like Facebook has deepened the relationships with people I see face to face, opened up past relationships with people I care about (and I think connecting with your past is really important for personal growth), gotten me out of my "focused/time to accomplish something" mode and reminded me to invest into people more often, made me a more balanced person, and enabled me to keep the pace necessary for survival in America... while still having deep and meaningful relationships at the same time.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Art is my one true love... and my arch nemesis.
So I think this is the frustration of the artist... art is life, but life gets in the way of art. I don't totally know what conundrum means, but I'm pretty sure it means this.
Today I am struggling between the place of "having so many good ideas that I should be encouraged", and the "not having enough time to implement the good ideas I have that I'm discouraged". Like I said... conundrum. You see, in order to improve our photography skillz, we spend all this time studying other photographers. The problem is that we study the photographers that we want to be like... who are better than us. So eventually we get into this mindset that we are the worst photographers out there with the lamest marketing materials because compared to the ones that we look at all day... we are!
The worst part is that as far as their cool ideas go, we feel like we could rival them with our own cool ideas... but WHEN is the question! We're always like, "you know what we should do?!" and then we both get totally excited about what we deem our best idea yet, and then we realize we are either lacking in time, resources, or who knows what else to accomplish that. Sure, we may be able to get there, but it's like 5-10 years down the road. So for now we have to settle with being mediocre photographers with a rushed website that doesn't even work right in internet explorer, who can't afford cool music on their site, who don't seem that different than anyone else (even though we KNOW we are different than others, it's just that no one can see it yet because we aren't able to express it yet)!
I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, it's not that I feel like I have some genius that's being hidden from the rest of the world, it's more that I feel like I do have a personality and style (just like everyone else does) that is being repressed due to circumstances. My husband, however, DOES have a genius that could benefit the world around him, but sadly it has to wait to be exposed. So combine my suffocated personality with his underground genius and we could create this beautiful, artistic force that is unstoppable and could be used in unthinkable ways. Instead we take pictures and answer emails.
The major issue here is patience. There is one photographer named Zack Arias who put out an entire video about the frustrated artist syndrome. He reminds me that it takes time. We are constantly improving, it's just hard to see it because it's slow and I want results NOW. The best part about this video is that he is one of the famous photographers we look at all day and count as having "made it". So it's nice to know that we're not alone in this frustrating cycle of artistic depression.
If you are an artist, you should watch this video. If you are a musician, you can imagine John Lennon or Joe Satriani as being the speaker. If you are a writer, imagine Stephen King or Shakespeare. Because no matter who they are and what artistic medium they're in... I think all artists hit the wall of comparison and end up getting stuck on the depressing side of it.
OK and just so this blog itself doesn't send you into a downward spiral, here's some beauty for your enjoyment to lighten the mood. Take it as inspiration, not as a neon sign pointing directly toward your own weaknesses!
These are all the beautiful things others have made that I'm so jealous of that I wish I could create myself RIGHT NOW. I have to mention that even as Scottie was checking these things out with me to pick some for this blog, at one point he said, "yeah, I'm done looking at this stuff. It makes me sick to my stomach and I don't want to have to quit photography". Ha ha, he needs to watch Zack's video again! Thanks for listening to all my bellyaching... I feel a little bit better now.
Disgustingly beautiful art:
(If you only check out part of this MAKE SURE you watch the video + Photography ones!)
Video + Photography... we'll get there some day.
www.vincentlaforet.com - seriously watch the "Reverie" video on his homepage. Your life will change!
Ah-mazing websites with unlimited personality expression... ours will be visible in our website eventually.
www.jasmine-star.com
www.jeshderox.com
Non-boring photography blog... working towards it already.
http://the222blog.blogspot.com
http://chelseahudson.com/blog
Today I am struggling between the place of "having so many good ideas that I should be encouraged", and the "not having enough time to implement the good ideas I have that I'm discouraged". Like I said... conundrum. You see, in order to improve our photography skillz, we spend all this time studying other photographers. The problem is that we study the photographers that we want to be like... who are better than us. So eventually we get into this mindset that we are the worst photographers out there with the lamest marketing materials because compared to the ones that we look at all day... we are!
The worst part is that as far as their cool ideas go, we feel like we could rival them with our own cool ideas... but WHEN is the question! We're always like, "you know what we should do?!" and then we both get totally excited about what we deem our best idea yet, and then we realize we are either lacking in time, resources, or who knows what else to accomplish that. Sure, we may be able to get there, but it's like 5-10 years down the road. So for now we have to settle with being mediocre photographers with a rushed website that doesn't even work right in internet explorer, who can't afford cool music on their site, who don't seem that different than anyone else (even though we KNOW we are different than others, it's just that no one can see it yet because we aren't able to express it yet)!
I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, it's not that I feel like I have some genius that's being hidden from the rest of the world, it's more that I feel like I do have a personality and style (just like everyone else does) that is being repressed due to circumstances. My husband, however, DOES have a genius that could benefit the world around him, but sadly it has to wait to be exposed. So combine my suffocated personality with his underground genius and we could create this beautiful, artistic force that is unstoppable and could be used in unthinkable ways. Instead we take pictures and answer emails.
The major issue here is patience. There is one photographer named Zack Arias who put out an entire video about the frustrated artist syndrome. He reminds me that it takes time. We are constantly improving, it's just hard to see it because it's slow and I want results NOW. The best part about this video is that he is one of the famous photographers we look at all day and count as having "made it". So it's nice to know that we're not alone in this frustrating cycle of artistic depression.
If you are an artist, you should watch this video. If you are a musician, you can imagine John Lennon or Joe Satriani as being the speaker. If you are a writer, imagine Stephen King or Shakespeare. Because no matter who they are and what artistic medium they're in... I think all artists hit the wall of comparison and end up getting stuck on the depressing side of it.
OK and just so this blog itself doesn't send you into a downward spiral, here's some beauty for your enjoyment to lighten the mood. Take it as inspiration, not as a neon sign pointing directly toward your own weaknesses!
These are all the beautiful things others have made that I'm so jealous of that I wish I could create myself RIGHT NOW. I have to mention that even as Scottie was checking these things out with me to pick some for this blog, at one point he said, "yeah, I'm done looking at this stuff. It makes me sick to my stomach and I don't want to have to quit photography". Ha ha, he needs to watch Zack's video again! Thanks for listening to all my bellyaching... I feel a little bit better now.
Disgustingly beautiful art:
(If you only check out part of this MAKE SURE you watch the video + Photography ones!)
Video + Photography... we'll get there some day.
The Nichols Family! from SarahQ on Vimeo.
carol + bryan's // stillmotion special edition sde // NY from StillMotion on Vimeo.
www.vincentlaforet.com - seriously watch the "Reverie" video on his homepage. Your life will change!
Ah-mazing websites with unlimited personality expression... ours will be visible in our website eventually.
www.jasmine-star.com
www.jeshderox.com
Non-boring photography blog... working towards it already.
http://the222blog.blogspot.com
http://chelseahudson.com/blog
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