I finally found someone who feels the same way I do about having kids... only she's actually pregnant right now. It's a new blog I discovered by Teresa Strasser called "Exploiting My Baby Because It's Exploiting Me". Here's a key phrase from her blog that pretty much sums up my daily internal battle about the possibility of motherhood (she says it as she's observing children and mom's in a park)...
"I survey the scene for a second, and wonder if this is home, or the future, or an oasis of simple pleasures I don’t yet understand or some kind of grape juice-stained, soul-crushing daily drudgery that I will never, ever embrace or even hack."
That's it. That's what I wonder every time I see my friends and their babies. Every time I think about the possibility of cuddling a little creature that I love more than myself, just after I've wiped all the poop out of their crevices and cried along with the child since I only had 3 hours of sleep the night before. It's always the question. And it's one that Teresa doesn't figure out the answer to, she just decides to use the final 4 months of her pregnancy to think about it. So I guess I'll wait along with her.
As she talks about Angelina Jolie, she voices my fears of losing my identity and sacrificing all the things I care about when I become a mom....
"With one tat (a tattoo with her kids' birthplace coordinates), Angie made motherhood less Ziploc baggies of animal crackers, slow-moving minivans and stain-resistant slacks and more … badass. When I think “mom,” I don’t want to think haggard, beleaguered “mom bloggers” telling Oprah about their crappy, sit-com sex lives and zany diaper mishaps, I want to think of women being exactly who they were before kids, only better. Is that just magical thinking and totally unrealistic without movie star money? I don’t know. Real world moms probably want to punch Angelina and Julia in the face sometimes."
She also asks the really important questions that I'm ALREADY thinking about (even though my belly is still fetus-less)... " everyone knows empty calories take away the empty feelings, or the uncertain feelings or make the thoughts stop skipping like a broken record in my brain: how much is childcare? Is my vagina going to rip when this kid comes out? How exactly do stitches in the vagina feel? Where are we putting the crib? Are we supposed to take some sort of parenting class? How much does that c-section thing scar? What is a layette and do I need one? My stomach itches. My stomach itches. My stomach itches. And that’s where a giant sandwich stops the record skipping with the mollifying power of pesto."
I like Teresa's blog because it is beyond real, super vulnerable, and it addresses so many of the things that I think most people are too afraid to let themselves think about... or at the very least things that people are too ashamed to talk about! Umm... not to mention she's freaking hilarious! I'm really excited to keep following her journey to see if she actually finds out the answers to all these mind blowing questions. That way I know if I can breathe a sigh of relief... or if I'm just going to have to keep holding it until my face turns blue or a baby pops out of me (whichever comes first).
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