Revisiting Wendy

I had a friend who once accused me of being Wendy. You know, Wendy from Peter Pan. He said that I chose to grow-up and I left him behind. Really I think that just meant I went out and got busy with sports, clubs, church activities, and such while he sat in his basement strumming his guitar alone. To him, growing-up meant getting busy (and of course submitting to the man and all that stuff).

So recently I decided to re-visit this Wendy concept, only to discover that maybe I am her but if that's true then I'm her right when she was deciding whether or not to stay in Never-Never-land or go back to the real world. That crucial moment of decision.

I realized that was the case when my husband recently accused me of resisting "the change". And of COURSE I don't mean puberty or menopause (sheesh guys, what were you thinking!?)
I'm stuck somewhere between the college stage and the mom stage. I call this area "The Twilight Zone" j/k. I am realizing that I want a clean house, a good future, a healthy being, and good relationships. But I'm also realizing that in order to have all that you have to have at least some level of discipline, structure, money, a job, and all kinds of other things that I want nothing to do with.

I know those who've known me since I was young are like, "what are you talking about?!" you were the most responsible child of all time with a full 401K by the time you were 11! OK, so I'm exaggerating.... I actually don't even really know what 401K means..... I pretend to, but I really honestly don't. It is true though, I was kind of a grown-up even when I was a kid. But I think I had a top off point... like a place where I just stopped growing up but kept physically aging all the same. I did good throughout college, then I got married and I froze. I went from being above everyone my age maturity wise to suddenly feeling slightly behind everyone my age. Weird. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact that I used to only have to be responsible for one semester at a time. I always knew that if I could hold out for a year, I could take a 3 month break from life to lay out and tan all day (Nice, now I can blame all the problems in my life on the school system, right?!).

The thing is that now if I even take a 3 DAY break I fall apart emotionally because I didn't get enough sleep and my messy house is eating my heart. Or I begin to feel faint from surviving on Cheez-its and Top Ramen because I didn't go to the grocery store (either because I slept til noon or because I ran out of money since I took a break from that too!). I can't do it all people! I can't do it all.... even though I only have 2 fully functioning adults to maintain. And are you kidding me.... you all think I should add in kids to this equation!?! And I'm not even going to get into the life lessons I'm working hard to avoid learning....

I finally realized that I think this is just a stage. I think we're slowly getting better and that one day we'll figure it out. Plus everyone says that when you have kids you just DO figure it out. I'm not too sure about that one though. I think our kids will be the ones who stay up until midnight and sleep until 9am (during the summers at least.... come on guys I'm behind but I'm not retarded! I know they need to sleep for school!). It's wierd because I think kids will help this, but I also think they'll make it way harder at the same time. Go figure. I'll let you know when I finally make the full leap out of Never Never Land.