...And we haven't even thrown one another through a wall yet!

Have you ever had someone in your life who makes you want to punch them in the face every single time they breathe? I have. Maybe I'm just a horrible person, but it's definitely happened to me. The worst part about this is that they are typically very sweet and kind people. They usually have not actually done anything wrong, and they are most often people I spend a lot of time with. Just for some reason, there just comes a time when something about them gets deep under my skin in a bad way. (Don't worry, if you're reading this blog it means you're on my preferred friend list on Facebook and you're not any of the people I'm referring to!) ;-) The other day Scottie and I were driving to California and I was thinking about this strange phenomenon (that has only happened a couple of times to me in my entire life by the way... I'm not THAT awful!). I suddenly began to think of married couples who feel this way, which sounds like absolute torture to me. I'd rather be in a room full of people sliding their fingernails down chalkboards a hundred times a day than to be married to someone who drove me that crazy.

As I was pondering this I suddenly realized that we were about an hour away from our destination and we had not yet even thought to turn on the radio yet because we were having such good conversation (this from people who basically spend 24/7 together... I don't even know what we have left to talk about!). I was just about to say "Aren't you so glad we aren't one of those couples who are annoyed by every little movement the other one makes?". However I stopped just short of that sentence as I suddenly realized that was MY opinion but maybe he actually WAS annoyed by everything single thing about me!

I pondered this for a second before I decided to be brave and actually asked him if there were things that I did that drove him nuts. Of course I know there are some things for sure, but I'm talking about the kind of things that are incredibly innocent and small that for whatever reason just upset you so much you are ready to inflict bodily harm to the person (seriously, am I the only who has these moments? I'm starting to feel guilty!). So I sucked it up and asked him. I started out by giving little examples like, "you know how I hold my breathe every time we drive under the tunnel? It's something that some people would think is endearing and childlike, but it's also something that someone like say... a spouse... could think was absolutely ridiculous to the point that he might begin to hate me for it. So, do you think about what a moron I am every time I do that or what?" His answer was no, although I'm sure he was thinking "no, but when you ask me questions like that I definitely think you're a little insane". I proceeded to prod by asking if there were any other small things like that about me that made him want to knock my teeth out?" Brave question I know. I held my breathe (despite our tunnel free drive) and waited for an answer. It actually wasn't bad. I could handle what he was saying. So THEN I felt safe to ask my original question "Aren't you so glad we aren't one of those couples who are annoyed by every little movement the other one makes?"
Really, it truly does amaze me that we have the relationship we do. We've been married 5 years now, we live together, work together, sleep together, and hang out together... that's a lot. I am quite surprised that a few blows to the head haven't been exchanged yet! More than anything I am so SO thankful.
This same kind of thought hit me again as we were on our way to a clients house in Venice, dressed in our full on Argentinian 80's clothes for our "Bourgie Fashion Prepster Buenos Aires Hollywood Palermo Gringo Polo Summer Solstice Party" that we were invited to (yes that was the actual title of the party). We were both so excited to be headed to a true trendy LA party and yet we were both nerdy enough to each be wondering how in the world we got invited to such a cool party (the fact that I had to google half the words in the invitation just to figure out what we were supposed to wear is a testament to the fact that this party was way too cool for us)! It was at that moment as we flew down the freeway with our white rimmed Ray Bans on and Lady Gaga blaring through our speakers, that I really felt like we were great teammates and I was truly glad that HE was the one I was getting to experience all of this with.(This is us in our party garb)

Again, I feel like we've been married long enough that I should be over it. That I should be bored with him, annoyed with him, or doing everything I can to convince him not to go the party so I can go by myself. Yet, I'm not there. I'm just glad I have my teammate to do all this with me. And I'm so glad that we are so much on the same page that our party re-cap afterwards was almost as good as the party.
The point of this post isn't to brag... I'm just genuinely in awe that it's possible for two people who by all rights should be sick of each other, to truly enjoy the time we spend together. When you put two separate individuals together so much for so long (yes, I know 5 years isn't really all that long... but it's long enough for major resentment to develop!) you never know what you're going to get. I remember receiving a list in my Marriage and Family class at ASU of about 500 things that need to line up for people to be a good match in marriage and I was like "that's it, that can only happen through a miracle so I guess I'm never getting married". Now that I am married I think agree with that list even more because I am amazed how big things get when even a few very small things don't align.

Don't get me wrong, Scottie and I have our major differences.. in fact we are very different people. When we got married my grandma told me that she was so glad we agreed on so many very fundamental things, but she was really worried about how different our actual personalities are. So yeah, we're different, but I think I'm less concerned about those things and more amazed at how many things DO line up! When we got married there were I don't know, maybe 30 things that I knew of that were important and lined up with us. But back to the miracle thing... only God knew that there were really like 5,000 major things that lined up about us and that those things would turn out to be very important for us. I think the longer we've been married, the more we line up and the less the differences matter. I mean, we have a hard time coming up with fun things to do together and mutual hobbies to share because of our personality differences, but all the things that really matter in life are surprisingly easy for us to work through.

Clarification again, I'm not saying marriage is easy at all! In fact, I'm saying the opposite. I'm saying it's so hard that I'm eternally grateful to God for the things he's helped us work (really hard) through and for all the similarities he's given us that make it just a little bit easier because without those things... well it goes back to the fingernails on the chalkboard thing.
So for anyone who's like "what?! my marriage sucks and this is just making me depressed". Never fear, mine has sucked for long periods of time too. That's actually what makes me SO grateful for where we are now. Not to mention that when we get into another funk like that one day, I have learned that it's possible to pull out of it to be better than you were before so I think I'll have a little more hope.
All I'm really trying to say here is that I am completely amazed... thankful... surprised... and so so VERY grateful to God that we have the relationship we do. Lately, Scottie and I have each stopped each other once a week and been like "wow! I can't believe how happy I am with you!" Such a blessing and quite the miracle. Oh God, THANK YOU!
And Scottie, I'm SO happy with you.

P.S. You can read the blog I wrote in honor of our 5 year anniversary (complete with pics and stories from our wedding) here: http://radiantphotographyaz.com/radiant_life/?p=2883

Free to be me again!

I'm sure many of you know what I mean when I say that my Facebook page has taken on a life of it's own. It's cluttered with people I don't know, my parents' friends, people begging me to fan them, etc., etc.

The fact that we run most of our business through Facebook only makes matters worse. Every week I have newbie photographers and Radiant fans friending me in hopes that I can help them build their business or give them a discount on their wedding photography one day. I feel like my entire life is in the public eye and that my business is being built on that persona of me that is being put out there. I'm not complaining about that too much because we've purposely set things up that way, it's only when I want to separate my personal life from my business (which is very necessary for me to be a healthy person) that I run into the problem. And at the rate I'm going, it looks like it won't be long before my friend list consists more of people I don't know than people I do and this problem will continue to grow!

The biggest reason I've had an issue with this is because one thing I know about myself is that I need a creative outlet that is my own. Right now everything I'm saying, producing, etc. is for the purpose of pleasing others or promoting my business. My already excessive people pleasing tendancies are on full alert and I'm tired. I really want a place where I can relax and be myself. Not to mention a place where I can connect with my REAL friends to find out what's going on in their lives.

I am totally hurting and I have been feeling very isolated and disconnected from the people I really care about. So my meager attempt to remedy some of that is to use the friend list feature on Facebook (that I just found out exists) to limit who sees every little detail on my page. This means that even my friends can be more free to be themselves on my page as well because they don't have to worry that their old kindergarten sunday school teacher will reprimand them for what they say (or something like that)! So I'm hoping that taking this step will deepen the level of interactions on my page as a whole (or at least make them happen with people I know!). Don't worry, my next step is to actually start seeing the people I care about in real life too!

Another part of this is that my personal blog has been on hold for a long time and in the past that has been a huge tool for my personal growth and for my relationships. It's been connected to my Facebook page so I no longer feel free to be honest on it and it's just felt like another avenue to use to sell myself on. Now that I know who's
seeing the post when I update it, I can feel free to be myself again! So take note, if you saw the post about this blog on Facebook... you're one of the chosen! Even if I've never met you in real life, if I've left you on the list it means I think I would really like you if I we ever did meet!

So if this work then... Breezy's back!
P.S. If you want to use friend lists, just go into your friends, create new lists (like tags), add everyone to at least one list, then go into your privacy settings and customize who can see what. It takes a long time, but it's totally worth it!